Analogies

I have trouble, at times (often) expressing myself succinctly, or I feel like I lose people and they are nodding along, so I keep going, and lose them so much they become bored. So, I have gotten in the habit of creating analogies to attempt to explain a feeling or though. I am a highly, highly visual person as well, and if I can't visualize something, my mind can have trouble focusing. I can conceptualize highly abstract and theoretical things, so much so this is the areas I REALLY lose people, and can lose myself, as language is a barrier in actually explaining the concept. But to accomplish this, I really, really have to focus and move myself into that space of my mind. And once I am snapped out of it, I am dazed for a varying amount of time, my mind finding itself suddenly drained and lost in being caught back in reality... and then it is gone. Wherever I was, I can't find it again. Finding it intentionally can be done with solitude, deep focus, and meditation. But by far I find myself in these places accidentally. I wander there. I skip around in my mind, following threads, internalizing, internalizing, deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole... until it is like I am in the nexus. A self-center where I see the universe. M-monster has described such feelings when he trips, and when he relayed DMT in particular, I nodded in understanding even though I have never tried it. NODDED IN UNDERSTANDING. Because I have been there. I get lost in the forest and suddenly find myself in a clearing... and I am there. He doesn't believe me. So this is my attempt to explain a bit about my inner workings and how minds process their physical and intangible natures.

Imagine, if you will, we all live in clear cages. We can't see the walls, most don't know they are there. We don't understand them, but we know they exist. Like a wild animal in a zoo, knowing it can't charge through the glass. It might know it is there (after bumping into it initially), and accepts it. If they are an inactive animal, or have a very large enclosure, they might not even realize they are contained. They happily live their lives, food appearing next to their nest/ home, a mate nearby, nice little areas to explore and patrol near the house. All needs met, no reason to explore beyond. This is how most people live their lives. Sitting in their clear cage, content. Not seeing, or perhaps not caring, about the borders. They see the space around them, and live within it. They never stretch too far, because needs are so close they don't feel they need to. They never notice the walls, or maybe one day they wandered in one direction until they found one, shrugged their shoulders, and went away from it back to their happy space where there were no walls. They find their place, and live a normal life raising further generations in this space as they see fit. Some might be birds with clipped wings, even. Some are content that despite not being able to fly, they still have their needs met. Others are miserable, flopping around, trying to figure out their place and why it feels so wrong, too lost in their plight to ever explore, wandering in miserable circles in the middle of their cage. A few fortunate ones have a huge enclosure, and long legs or unclipped wings that allow them to run and explore. There is so much to see, explore, learn, and do in there, and that is what they do. Some squander this opportunity, choosing to live like others despite their obvious advantages.

I have always dreamed of being the one with the long legs, the wings, in an expansive space that I can explore, learn, and grow in. But, I am not. At this point, people will respond with 'it is all in your head'... which is the point, to an extent. I am talking here about physical limitations here as well. The wall represents limits of the mind, physical ones, and the space between it is what we are free to explore. The nature of the physical animal is the physical body itself, existing within the physical confines of the mind. 

Comparing myself to a bird with clipped wings may be the more debatable expression, but the real issue it causes me is; I see the others, with their wings, flying. Their legs, running. I see the ones happily living in their little holes. I see huge, expansive enclosures without an end in sight. I know such realities exist. And I have seen all this because I know I am in a cage, and I can look through my walls and see them too. I flop around on the ground, circling my wall by foot. My physical body limitation. I look through the glass, trace myself around it, trying to push into the bigger place beyond. The physical limits of my mind. I see the world out there, even beyond the cages of other, and more than anything in all existence, that is where I would rather be. In the beyond, not in a cage of any sort, no matter the size. Like the stressed tiger, endlessly walking in circles of their enclosure, rubbing against the glass so much their fur is worn off and the skin is raw. It knows. It knows it is in a cage. And it wants out. It needs out. 

Long ago I found the physical limitations of my mind, and began circling and pushing up against the walls. And it pains me to no end to know of them and find them at every turn. I know where the ones I have found are, and finding a new ones breaks my heart every time, like I expected to find something else this time. I explore the cage, looking for holes, a way out. And I only meet glass. Every time I think I found...more... I hit glass. I hit my physical limits. My intangible mind, my understanding, is physically limited from expanding beyond a certain point, and I know it. I can feel it. I can see it. I can see what is beyond, through those clear walls, but I cannot know it. I cannot touch it. I cannot experience it. I cannot fly to the sky into the endless possibilities, I can only flop on the ground, tracing myself around the borders, until my feathers are raw... hoping... one day to find a way out.

What I have been working on is trying to be like the other happy animals. Find a place in my cage. But when you know you are in a cage, and there is more out there you cannot touch, see, experience... it is so hard. I cannot sit still. I do stupid shit to distract myself. I eat too much to feel the excitement, the newness, the novelty, that I crave but cannot have. It is not the beyond, it is just a dream. I dream of the world outside, the one that is not mine, and will never be mine or anyone else's. I dream of even having wings, flying free to forget the walls and cage. Long legs to run, feel the wind and rush, climb over the stones and jump and leap and make a playground of my space. I was not built to be where I am. I am not meant to be contained, it is not the nature of my kind... whatever I am. I am not meant to flop on the ground. None of this feels right. The only thing that feels right is that I am alive, and I am me. My space is all wrong, my physical space. My body would be bearable if my mind wasn't so physically limited (and it is, the only people who say that a mind is limitless are ones whom haven't explored their own cages). The limits of my mind would be bearable if my body wasn't limited. If there was something in my world to get lost in, the cage wouldn't matter. I am not great at anything, but just fine or good at many things. Nothing is mine, nothing is me. Not for lack of trying, but for existence of real, physical barriers. I explore this space of mine, finding new things to see, and always finding a wall or clipped wings hindering further exploration. And I cannot be content with the small, with the everyday. The beyond is out there, the walls bar me. My wings are clipped and I cannot experience the joys others do. With this knowledge, can I ever be happy?

I debate whether I would be happier to stop looking around, stop exploring. The one thing I have pride in...is me. And my nature is to explore. I would have to stop being...me... to be be happy. Then, what is the point? Why exist to be content and lifeless, a warm body to propagate and exist, not live. I want so badly to find a home, to stop tracing the borders of my cage... but I also never want to stop seeing. I don't want to stop knowing the intangible. To know it exists. To be able to meditate, and find the wall, and see a glimpse of the beyond and intangible when I do. To wander and find a wall, look beyond, and not feel despair at finding the wall again but instead enjoying the fleeting experience. But I also don't want to get so lost in my despair that this glimpse stops bringing me hope and inspiration. It doesn't bring any sort of tangible or usable feelings... more just a recharge, a reminder of who I really am, what makes me who I am. I have no tangible, useful skills that someone happily living in their space, ignorant of their cage doesn't,also have. I have even less than those with the wings and legs. I have the intangible in abundance. Knowledge and sight of something others cannot ever see. How to translate it, to communicate it to others, especially when I lack any physical ability to do so... that has been the struggle for me lately. What brings me the most despair and anxiety. I cannot ever seem to properly express what I see, what I know, who I am.

I find glimpses of people who seem to see the cage too, but they live distantly and more often than not, don't see much of anything. They found one wall before wandering back to their happy space, never looking for it again, content, and perhaps scared. They don't wonder what else is there, and they don't think about the wall they saw. Some, like M-Monster, find it amusing to have their faces smashed up against it and forced to stare into the beyond and abyss, unable to blink, before wandering back into their space, swirling briefly with the knowledge. They become content enough to continue on their lives in their space, never looking for answers or anything more, until they feel an itch for something amusing again. They were not meant to know of it.  And maybe I wasn't either. It exhausts me, finding nothing but walls, always staring at the others or the beyond. Living beyond, perhaps, is where I am meant to be, or perhaps, merely not knowing of it and living with wings, flying, and making the most of my space is where I am meant to be. But neither are what is, nor will they ever be. I am caught between. Seeing and knowing of two existences; One I am never meant to comprehend but possess the knowledge of it's existence, and another I am not meant to experience, but see it's existence.

Grass is always greener when you live on a rock. Everyone simplifies me with trite phrases, telling me to just be happy with what I have like others, to stop itching the scratch, stop looking at something if it pains me to look at it. They don't understand that my ability to see is all I actually have. And maybe I am meant to be such a contradiction, filled with endless amounts of hope, wonder, and despair simultaneously. To know OF so much, yet KNOW nothing. To see the big picture without a zoom. I have an expansive mind, filling it to it's brim. But it isn't a large one, and the brim is not all that deep. It is nice to think that anyone cares that I use my mind to it's capacity, an unusual quality, but they don't. It leads to confusion on most people's part who think I am 'smart', even though I am not and tell them such. They are always disappointed later on when they find my limitations I was already well aware of and tried to warn them of. And it is always my fault, people thinking I don't care or am not trying. I am... there is just this wall here... A lazy smart person is far more appreciated, because they never disappoint when they have plenty of room to expand. Good for them. I would fill that bad boy up to the brim if I had one, so excuse me for being a bit bitter towards those who waste something so beautiful by keeping it empty.

*sigh*

I am slumped up against a very familiar wall right now, one I have been rubbing against quite a bit lately. And it exhausts me to flop all the way over here. I am drained. One with wings or legs might still have energy, but I don't. I am pretty spent, and most likely won't come back to edit this. So it is what it is, another hot mess stream of consciousness. 

Within and Without

A little tangent that happened while writing 'On Tour' stuff about Millennials and with Clerks 2 on in the background. Doesn't fit anywhere, just thinking out load.


Generation Xer’s seem to have this… contentedness about life not going splendidly. I love movies like Clerks, how they so succinctly capture the giant shrug that is a typical life. It makes me feel less alone. But it is not comforting, agitating more than anything. There are so many people like me, thinking like me… who are able to be content and still with the typical shitty life. They can find the beauty in it, the humor in it. I suppose On Tour is my attempt to do the same. It is frustrating trying to find the words. As frustrating as trying to find my place in life. As frustrating as trying to find contentment. I am the typical whatever living the typical whatever life… and feels so wrong, so indescribably out of place for me. On one side, my ego wants to say this is because I am more ‘special’, my life should have more meaning. My… well, I don’t know what side it is. Cynical? Practical? I struggle to differentiate the two… Anyways, this other side says I am the same as everyone else, no less special. I need to keep my ego in check. I am proof to myself that I am just another loser failure, through no fault but my own. I am where I deserve to be, an architect of my own failure. Thinking that does nothing to improve my outlook. I can beat my ego down, but it still simmers in the back of my head. It asks ‘Why’. It doesn’t let my pragmatic cynic be content with the life it has. It asks ‘Why’. And that question agitates me. It itches under the surface, and I cannot find anything to scratch. Nothing relieves it. I dream of all the plethora of things I haven’t done, the people I am not, thinking that one of them is the skin I am meant to be in. I try on all the cheap ones I can find, and none fit. The itch only gets worse. There are so many I want to try, some too expensive, so many not my size, and the vast majority out of reach. I  can see them through a window. I am within and without, simultaneously enchanted and exhausted by the variety of life. Please forgive the intentional misquote. It is the most succinct way I can describe my feelings, by using the genius of another who felt the exact same way but from a different context. Ce la vie. How I always feel, so connected yet so off. Within and without, lying horizontally across parallel universes...

Floating...

I suppose I should blog more now that I have a brief window with a bit extra time. I had thought about this beforehand, and told myself I would. Yet I find myself, once again, making the same blog post, after I make the same resolutions, and I react the same way. My mind is aswim (not even a word... fuck it, it is appropriate...) as usual. My brain flooded and buzzing, distracted by everything, unable to focus. I really, really have tried many things to gain focus in something, anything, yet I still find myself drowning in my own sea. My mind skips from left to right, trying to analyze itself and why it is doing what it does. It finds something, ricocheting off into space, bounces off another piece of space junk, then starts pinging it's way back and forth until earth comes back into view, and it is violently yanked back down. Hours have passed by then. Bad habits take over when I am on earth. They ground me so my anxiety doesn't cause the yoyos to be so violent and constant. They are cruel in holding me back, yet they also stop the uncontrollable spinning. My mind wants to vomit from spinning so fast, purging the pent up anxiety fueling it. My body wants to run, slam itself down a cliff, punch itself in the gut, anything to regain control of it's control center. I respond by indulging until the spinning stops, snapping into reality as the discomfort of my actions set in. Sometimes, the mind is satiated. Other times, I feel so ill I am forced to stay grounded. As it passes, my brain floats up slowly again, until it is touching into space, eschewing earthly and practical needs, up, up... anxiety hits hard and fast. What am I doing? Again? Lost control, you need to find a job. You need to clean the house. You need to run errands. You need to at least harness this, take some classes, teach yourself something to anchor yourself.... you need... you need... to come back to earth, and there is one consistent fucked-up cluster of brain cells that knows what works, and responds in a fucked-up cruel manner that takes more than it gives. I sacrifice everything else to keep my mind intact enough to not ascend far enough to be snapped violently back onto my face. If my anxiety doesn't yank my string, those who placed it there do. It is an early warning system, I suppose. It knows when I am too high, been floating too long, and people will be coming for me. Why do they care? Let me fly in the stars, I am so happy there... it is too late for that, the anxiety so deeply embedded so long ago, buried so deep I didn't even consciously unearth it until recently. As I float, sometimes I will watch it writhing down there, screaming at me, thrashing. I disconnect from it, but someone else always comes along to pull me back down anyways.

I always told M-monster I hated drugs. Him and others are stuck on earth, and like to float for a moment. But they are creatures of the earth. I am a creature of the stars, born of the earth, like something out of a children's book. But there is no lesson here, no morality play. Just me floating between the two, trying to keep my wings on the ground. I have no control over them. I hate anything that makes me float more, because it causes me to lose what little control I do have over it. With focus, I can calm the spinning normally, but if something else is causing it, nothing stops it until it is out of my system, leaving me out of breath, exhausted, and scared. There are scary places in my universe I sometimes bump into on my own. I have learned over time how to nudge myself away from those places, most of the time needing to use my bad habits to assist. If something launches me there, I am stuck in the scary parts of my brain until the force pushing me there has left. We had a conversation once, him floating around, asking why I wasn't joining him. I flew around him, and told him I am with him. This is where I always am, regardless if I want to be. I just wish people joined me more often, because it is hard to float on my own. But floaters tend to wander away, and that was the last time we saw each other.

I type this from the clouds, analyzing my own mind in visual terms because it is the only way I can translate. I have considered studying psychology and Neurology to better understand or explain what is happening... but no one ever seems to understand except for me. People speculate, I attempt to translate, and it comes out all wrong. I sound like some crystal-wielding hippy who has had about a thousand too many hits of acid. Unless I was born in a vat of the stuff, this is just how I am. Oddly, as I get older, it seems to become worse. Or, as I am starting to speculate, more time with myself means I am merely more aware of it. Science truly knows so little about the human mind, and I feel like I am so utterly aware of this, it is harshly aching. Sometimes it feels like I can see the signals bounce around, the clusters lighting up as I get stuck somewhere, the entire place lighting up when I am able to find that rare place where I am floating enough to function, but still able to communicate with the ground. I can see the signal bounce around as it searches for a piece of something, pinging paths along back and forth, searching for that bit I left somewhere but my brain doesn't remember where, picking up pieces as it goes, but rarely ever finding all of them. And, oddly, the hemisphere where I conduct my daily business seems to be interchangeable. I have mild control over this. Mostly, it is affected through conditioning, what I am reading or the environment I am in, that can move the activity. It seems as though I have a limited amount of energy that can be expended, though I have a mind that could do EONS more if I had more energy to go around. Like a super computer with only enough RAM to run the OS and one other small task. Haha, maybe if I got rid of this pesky, bloated, Windows, I could use my precious little RAM to do other things? Running other operating systems comes with consequences. Linux does not support nearly as much as Windows. Sure, with a lot of work, you could use it professionally, but good luck convincing someone of that unless you have already proven aptitude with it... which I haven't nor can without tons of practice. OSX requires proprietary hardware, and really doesn't support me, existing outside it's specs. I don't have the looks, the style, the dumbed down hardware, nor the desire to appeal to luddites and have all my decisions made for me.

At this point, one would argue to write my own OS. How can someone who can't ground themselves long enough to even job hunt expect to be able to make their own business? It isn't for lack of effort, it isn;t due to laziness... I just can;t focus so many things into anything tangible. Remember, I am working with a limited amount of RAM with a supercomputer. How does one choose what to focus the computer on? It can do practically anything, but without enough RAM and a lot of time invested writing a specific OS for it, it is impossible to know what it will excel at, what it was made for. By the time so much time and energy has been invested in getting it to do one function, I fear it will be an issue of learning too late if it was the wrong path.

What a waste my mind is on me. So much wasted potential. Spends all it's time pondering the possibilities, yet so painfully, agonizingly aware of it's limitations, it just watches the world. It is a creature of the stars, yet beings of the earth surpass it constantly. Unable to understand, unable to relate to them. All ideas seem pedestrian, of the ground dwellers. I feel like an idiot amongst the greats in the stars, and an alien to the idiots on the ground. I cannot even bring myself to create something for ground dwellers, let alone of the stars. I feel like the biggest fool for even fathoming that I could look at the stars, let alone be someone who constantly floats so aimlessly through them. Why do I float in them if I don't understand them? Why bother coming back down to earth when I am an alien?

Oh, LG. Who are you? What are you? Why are you here? Why do you think you are so special? Doesn't everyone else think these things? Why do you think you are so different from them? If they are the same as you, why are they able to adapt so much better? What is wrong with you? Is it a flaw? Is it an untapped benefit?

This is how my brain chooses to spend it's time. As much as I try to rein things in, it tugs at me, wanting to dance in the stars. It merely wanders aimlessly instead, bumping around, drooling incomprehensibly as it tries to communicate. I try to write, communicate the stars to others. Instead, all that comes out are these trite ramblings, cliches, boring observations of silly things ground dwellers do that no one cares about. I try to focus on a skill, so maybe I can understand the stars or relate to the ground dwellers... but I start floating again, lost in my mind and myself.

I often wonder what it would be like to disconnect. Go live in a monastery. All earthly needs met, so I can focus. Could  I focus? Would I just waste my time floating like I do now? Would I just hide there forever, never trying to go back to the stars when I find such a comfortable and quiet anchor? I fear the same with where I am now, yet am equally curious about the benefits of a 'comfortable' life, doing something pedestrian, looking back at youthful wanderlust with a sigh and shake of the head. Does everyone go through this before settling into their cubicle life with 2.5 kids, spouse they tolerate, and mortgage on a balsa wood house they will be paying until they are dead or the banks take it? Am I a fool for seeing it this way? How am I so cynical and so naive at the same time?? That is something that seems to be a constant about me, cynically dismissing the silly ways of the silly monkeys on the ground, yet naively traveling through life with my head in the sky.

I let myself wander, and occasionally type them up too, in hopes some great revelation will come to me. I explore my thoughts looking for answers, and end up with nothing but a hot air balloon tour. I'll go ahead and hit post on this one, because it didn't get too weird/ depressing/ nonsensical like dozens others unpublished on the back end. It is still as pointless and frustrating of an exercise as all the rest, however. My life, I suppose.

Dissonance

Just pondering over here...

I am not sure where my ego ends and my cynicism begins.

Many times I feel... and I cringe to say this because it goes against my beliefs... better than others. Smarter, more capable. Over qualified. It makes me become super hard on myself, but also causes me to be distanced from others. Not only am I embarrassed for my lack of achievement, I feel like I can't relate with others. They are so different, no one understands the sound of how awesome I am. It would be emo if my ego wasn't driving it.

My practical side smacks my ego around, and tries to tell it to quit being a witch. I try to connect to people, telling myself we are the same. My stress kicks in, fueled by cynicism. They are dumb sheep, it says. Look at the state of things! I am not an idiot who would make such awful decisions! I make bad ones, but none as awful as all these awful people I am surrounded with make. I can't be like them, they are impractical and stupid. I can't take advice from them, because they are too stupid to be able to say anything profound. I can't relate to them because I am different, better, than them. I might as well be a different species. They say and do everything so unconsciously, driven by instinct and social conditioning. I am painfully aware of all these awkward bits that make humans, and myself, do all these silly things. They don't see it... do they?

It feels like no one can connect or relate to me, so how can I connect or relate to others? My mind is isolating me further as the lack of feeling fulfilled sends it scrambling for comfort. It continually closes in on my ego, protecting it from my failure. "You are better than them..." it hisses in my ear. "You aren't achieving or feeling fulfilled because they don't understand you. They don't give you a chance. They are fools. The sheep have allowed the economy to go to shit, and it it raining down on you. It isn't your fault you are a loser, the world is standing in your way..."

In it's own way all this fuels my depression. I know how asinine this all sounds, how hypocritical, egotistical, arrogant, insanely... insane. I know it all comes down to me. I can't blame the world for my failures, but half of me does. Trying to protect my ego it holds on this so tightly. Will NOT let go no matter how much I run this around in my head. It conflicts with my beliefs to hold onto these little ego fortress, but if my ego is gone the depression becomes overwhemling. I cannot function when I face myself. I protect myself by refusing to take risks, because I spend all my energy trying to hold back tides. And the pressure it building, and building. No relief. The depression overflows until I get the ego wall shored up again, this time stronger and more insistant. This time more distant from others, feeling more alienated.

I am afraid of how high this wall will go. Or what will happen when the dam breaks. Because one will happen, soon. I am becoming so isolated, angry, unable to relate. I put on my Cheshire smile, a mask, hide behind it, all the while boiling over underneath. My conflictions screaming at me while all remaining energy is spent holding the mask on. I crash so hard when the dam overflows. The wall is so high I look down on everyone beneath me. I feel so trapped and unable to move, standing at the dam, unable to do anything else but watch it and keep it under control.

The depression is manageable, haphazardly held back by an artificial paradox. The cognitive dissonance is overwhelming. I don't know what to do. I feel smothered by it. A tangled web, which threads can I cut without causing this delicate balance to come crashing down? I can't bring myself to lower the ego wall, accepting things 'beneath' me. The depression overflows. I can't stay where I am, because the wall is getting so high I can barely breathe in this thin air, cut off from the world.

So here I stand on my wall, waiting for relief. Some other outlet for the depression tide so I can lower the ego wall safely. Something to reinforce the ego wall so I don't have to build it higher. Something to distract me from the exhaustion of being up here 24/7. A flow of fulfillment, so I can give a finger to this entire fucking ego dam, climb down, and let the depression tide dry up on it's own without this endless flow of foul cognitive dissonance cumulatively filling it up. I can't leave to seek solutions, only watch, wait, hope, that it will hold, and that help comes soon... I feel so helpless, the feeling only adding to the tide and this horrifying cycle...

There it goes, the trickle flowing over the top again. I need to go build my dam up more.

Thank you, Emilie!

Today I went on a tab hunt again, and decided to pick some more at the very long Job Hunt/ WTF am I doing with my life/ WTF do I want to do with my life tangent. This particular one started at Life Hacker a good 6 months ago, and has been an ongoing follow up link progression. I have been chasing down link after link, day after day, and I poke at the pile of resources every once in a while.
After months of work, I have really begun to focus in on the good stuff, the important and relevant stuff. Today, I found a blog called 'Puttylike'. There I found the 'Undeclared for Life Manifesto'. For the first time, I felt like I was reading something by someone who understands me and my interests, because that is who she is!

All of the other things I had read were trying to get me to find something I like/ am good at and stick with it. Not helpful when I am good/ like a lot of things, and as much as I try, just plain cannot simply choose one. I am interested in so many things, I want to do so many things, I can't imagine spending my whole life in one area of interest. My problem isn't that I don't know what I like, which is what most of the articles I found were about. The problem is I don't know what I like best, nor how to make money/ a career out of liking a lot of things. It has been frustrating, since most resources had me skipping ahead the 'Find what you love!' parts, which then went into 'Follow your passion! Here is where you can find work at it!'. Ok, great. There is a gap between those two steps I have fallen between that I feel most people don't experience. Which job do I choose? How do I convince said job interest I am 'dedicated' and am a 'professional' in the area when I have had little training, and am not focused on moving up a ladder in that one path? No one wants to hear either. No one wants an employee like me. There is no room for a Jane of All Trades in the modern workplace, where corporate structure has so carefully laid out and planned the business model, and only relevant positions are needed to make the model work. I don't fit into any model. I am my own miniature model, actually. I have miniature versions of everything inside me, instead of just being one regular sized item. I feel like my own self-contained package that says a lot and is entertaining to look at and discuss, but seems to serve no useful purpose.

Talking to others is just as frustrating. They seem to think I am not looking hard enough for work (I admit, I have stopped actively looking after years of finding only the same stuff), and even worse, misunderstand my skills and the skills required in the workplace. My mom seems to think that since I am and 'artist' who likes computers, it is the same as 'graphic designer'. She thinks that being good with computers equals 'digital design'. And she doesn't understand why I don't apply for these jobs or why I can't seem to get them when I have applied. Most people I know are the same way about all my skills. I dabble in it, that means I am an expert, right? If I have shown interest, it means I should get a job doing it! I should focus on that, go to school again (which I have considered... but there are SO MANY things I want to study that I can't decide what to go for! Different schools for everything! Grrr...) I applied for a graphic design job, using my self-taught Photoshop skills as my main selling point. They wanted me to sit down with the design guy who was leaving and show what I could do. He seemed frustrated and pained as he watched me work, and I knew I wasn't doing it the way that was taught in design school. I wasn't using the appropriate tools for the tasks, and it took me longer because of it. I was always happy with my photoshop and digital work, but I realized after that I really am still a novice in terms of professional knowledge with it. Plus, I learned on and have been using Photoshop 7 for over 10 years now. WAY outdated. And I still don't know how to use everything in 7. Obviously I didn't get the job (and not even a callback, even when I called THEM back, a tiny office of 5, asking for a followup, and never got one... I guess it was THAT bad...) It was simple work too, I thought I did ok, but apparently I blew it. That particular case left a bad taste in my mouth, and I have not applied for a digital position since.


So, anyways, I spent the day reading through that manifesto, then following more link tangents that spouted from it. I am considering joining her group, and seeing what that is like. Seems like some nice, like-minded types, and I could use some help staying motivated, as well as having some people who understand me that I can to talk to...

Spent time reading through some more D&D stuff too, just confirming all my changes are Kosher and trying to chase down info on hanging issues too. It was a couple hours worth of reading and clicking around that happened in the middle of reading the Puttylike and related tangents, so I thought it was worth mentioning.


Ugh, there goes M Monster again, gnashing away at me... I'm spent.


A final note-- I need to start up my comics again, this has been really bugging me. I have tons in sketchbooks that I never finished, and even more in my mind I haven't even sketched. I set up this blog as a place for LG, but have yet to post any comics... The first set is pretty easy, but there are some little addendum comics I want to insert between the ones I already published, so I need to do some work before just slapping them up. Of course, I haven't finished some of those, and some I haven't even sketched. Argh. DAMN YOU ADD brain! -_-


Closing out tabs from today, decided to watch http://foureyedmonsters.com/feature_film/ Well done, but not my kind of movie. I stuck through it and watched it all, however. I know lots of people that would love this film. I personally just can't stand watching stuff about relationships, I CANNOT STAND chick flicks or romcoms. I have limited tolerance for straight dramas. While I like depth, and lots of it, I feel stuff about relationships is self indulgent, narcissistic, and... I ran out of repertoire, it's late. I just don't like to watch stuff about it, I guess I feel it is personal and not a world I feel comfortable in or even can find myself giving two shits about. It's their business. I care mildly if I am connected to the person, and that is the most I can muster. I guess I will put this out there, that I plan on specifically NOT featuring relationship love stories or any googly eye moments in 'On Tour'. There will be NONE of it in my sci-fi stuff. It has NO place there. 'On Tour', due to it's nature, will have references to it, but won't focus on it. I won't be playing ANY 'match up' or 'romantic tension' bullshit. Ugh. Gag me. I wrote some non fiction in a non fiction course while in college. I did NOT want to take the course, but it was required for my minor. For my main project I had no ideas. So, I did a kind of journal about my relationships with M Monster, real life friends, and virtual friends. It was basically current events in my boring, tediously uneventful life. The most exciting stuff happened while playing video games with strangers, and most of the 'excitement' was typical, overblown, and forgettable internet drama. I thought it was awful. My classmates, especially females, LOVED it. Like, I had three requests after the final project begging me to finish and send them the story. I never touched the story again. I looked at it years later, and cringed. I think I might delete it entirely in the not too distant future. My hesitation comes from the overwhelming, and unexpectedly positive, responses to it. It would be long gone otherwise.



As a side note, this journaling has made we realize that I do play less than I thought I do, and I actually am 'busy' (it's in quotes AND italicized for a reason...) most of the time. I am wasting time, but I am not. I am not accomplishing things, but I am learning and exploring in the vast majority of my time. That has to count for something... as least I tell myself that so I don't feel like such a bum...


Ok, only time for an hour or so of video games. I have work in the morning...

How I Plan to Dominate the World

...but not rule it. I have morals, I can't be a politician!

I will write a great TV show that will save the American sitcom while also being the cure for reality TV. It will fill people's lives with joys, and make them think about bigger things in both their personal lives and those around them. They will laugh at the absurdity, cry at the honesty, and reflect on the interactions that seem so simple on the inside, but so complex on the inside, they seem to hit deeply close to home.

I will also write an epic sci-fi universe into a TV or movie series that will fill the hearts, minds, and imaginations of those kindred sci-fi lovers out there. I will see the series through as long as there are fans to support it. It will help fill some of those empty spots in the sci-fi lovers' hearts from movies that fell short or never saw sequels, expansive book series that were never finished, and cancellation of humbling, historically epic sci-fi shows like Firefly. While not a clone by any means, it contains the spirit and similar feel of 'realness' and 'rawness' that show possessed. The prequel will be a world that feels so real and believable, it will feel like peeking into the history of the future. The main story will be a drama about our own universe, the epic struggles that will be faced by humans living in such radically different physical space than we currently do, yet with hauntingly familiar scenarios to modern times and history.

I will then go on to save the food industry and stem the tide of the obesity epidemic in the US. I will do this by starting a food manufacturing company that will make healthy, prepackaged food, as well as limited ingredient items and recipe items, with the goal of all items to be free of additives that are generally considered harmful and unhealthy, and to reduce the amount of manufacturing done to the food as much as possible for items that are prepackaged. On top of all this, the items will be priced competitively with major food manufacturers and have full distribution to all major grocery stores. This will be achieved by the corporate structure not being for profit by shareholders, but run by competent individuals who believe in the broader goal of the company more than money. Any time those on top get a raise or bonus, every employee below them gets the same percentage of bonus. All employees will be stockholders. All employees will be paid living wages. Nothing will be outsourced. When the company becomes large enough, we will expand and dedicate ourselves to also owning and operating organic farms to grow and raise all food for our company under our same guidelines. No profit is expected to be made for me in this endeavor, but I expect to create many middle-class income earning factory workers and farmers.

I will create a modestly comfortable and self-sufficient lifestyle for myself. With any money I find to be in excess of my own comfort and personal development will be used to create micro non-profits in areas I am currently passionate about, established all around the country and globe for various causes.

One such cause will be creating safe, free to use, artist spaces and studio space for aspiring and budding artists. It will have walls both outdoors and indoors for street/ graffiti art pieces to be prominently created on and displayed. Ideally, these locations will be in an old warehouse, factory, or converted office building that is centrally located in urban areas for ease of access and prominent foot traffic for viewing of art by the public. Each location will be completely customized by the needs of the local art community, with different equipment dictated by the type of art participants are creating. It will have lockers and space for artists, with the only condition to maintain free space being to use it on a regular basis. Spaces can be paid for if the artist wants to store their things and won't be able to come around to use it. There will be power tools and equipment for sculptors to use, as well as ovens and kilns for ceramic and glass. There will always be staff on hand to assist and supervise use of equipment and offer advice to help. Artists can display and sell their pieces and services in the art gallery dedicated to displaying pieces made by members of the studio, and the gallery will take a small commission to help pay for the studio and staff. Affordable classes will be offered, and members can teach them, with the studio taking a small commission to help pay for the space. All efforts will be made to make each location self-sufficient, setting an example for artists on how they can also do so. As an artist, I believe so, so strongly in the importance of having a community. It's effects on creativity cannot be stressed enough. Helping each other create, learn, and grow as artists is the critical first step in developing artistic ability, creating art, and ultimately, earning a living following a passion for art.



Here is the elevator pitch version, because I have been told I need one!

I will write a TV show that captures the sublime, helping people see the beauty of life, and will make them experience a whole range of emotions and introspection for the betterment of how we treat each other. It will not only save US sitcoms with the new method I use to write the show, it will cause a chain reaction in how TV is written enough to become the cure for reality TV.

I will also write a sci-fi TV series or movie series that will be another one of the epic universe greats. It will be expansive, believable, raw, and fantastical. The large problems will be hauntingly similar to ones we currently face, with the knowledge that history tends to repeat itself.

I will then go on to save the US food industry and stem the obesity epidemic by curing our food supply. My company will offer healthy prepackaged foods and ingredients with as minimal processing and additives as can be achieved, but at a price competitive with the major food manufacturers and distribution just as wide. The company will not be run by shareholders looking to make a profit, but by leaders who believe in the company cause. Our employees will be paid living wages, and will receive equal percentages in bonuses and blanket raises as those running the business.

Evolution of Video Games

I don't really read as much buzz about the video game market and trends as I used to, so I am unsure if this is a topic already being heavily discussed.

Anywho, this is a time of a lot of change in the video game market. Not only are people moving away from powerful PCs and towards mobile devices, there are vastly MORE people playing video games than ever before, due to accessability of games, variety, and and, frankly, ease of getting into games. The mobile market is not made for hardcore gamers, it is made to appeal to the widest audience possible. If you have a mobile device, you are the market.

But that is not the aspect I want to talk about, as that is heavily discussed currently, and in all honestly, I am not a fan of casual games. I am a hardcore gamer. Well, at least I used to be. I guess now I am more of a 'big kids games' gamer? Maybe? *quickly turns off phone to hide the SquareEnix card game I have been playing obsessively*

*cough*

Anyways, that is another side tangent!

Mostly, this tangent is inspired by the 'Indie Game' documentary through Steam I saw the other day. I really understood what the creator of Braid was feeling, while many didn't seem to get it. His game was a hit! Why is he upset? What is he defending? It has great gameplay, which is where the industry has been focused since the beginning. It has great visual style, which is a more recent focus when computers and consoles started to become powerful enough to display beautiful games. It even had a great story, something in which the bar, in my opinion, has always been set quite low for in games until recently. And, finally, the part people were missing... it said something. It is a piece of art. It speaks. It combines all the elements to go beyond another pretty photo of something pleasant (i.e., where most people's 'taste' in art lies) and had an emotional level to it. How often does a game have complex emotions in it? How often do games make you feel more than just entertained or amused? There are common elements to the vast majority of video games and how they make you feel. They make us feel amused, sure, but also frustrated, angry, excited, proud, accomplished. Most stop there. That has never been enough for me. I have always sought out games that specifically have those special stories. The special characters. The complexity, not in gameplay, but in the writing and art is always what hooks me. Great voice acting with compelling characters make frustrating gameplay bearable. A story I want to uncover pushes me through boring mechanics and tedium.

Ah, Square (Enix). We are talking about you, amongst others. I am willing to stick with 80+ hours of gameplay in a Final Fantasy game because I LOVE the stories, the art, the deep characters. They are gorgeous, interactive books. Even the SNES games, to this day, are works of art. SIXTEEN EFFIN PIXELS. How much could YOU do with that?? What they pushed out of that system... masterpieces. The stories and characters, above all else, are unsurpassed by current titles. I can only imagine how amazing they would be if they had the space on those little cartridges as they do on the big digital discs to expand beyond.

But, I am fangirlgeeking here. It is about the art of video games. They are becoming a new medium for it. And there are gorgeous things coming out. But so much is caught in old thinking. So much pressure to be modern, innovative, to push the code.

Fuck the code. If you have something cool and innovative, great! Add it! If you need to write something new to accomidate your story, great! Add it! But there shouldn't be pressure to make shiny code that causes a great story or artwork to be overlooked. In all honesty, I would play an interactive storybook with very little or easy gameplay. You know, like Bioshock: Infinite.

Boy did Bioshock: Infinite get some undeserved bad reviews. The gameplay was solid. Nothing new needed to be said or done to tell the story. The purpose of that game was to TELL A STORY. It was a piece of art. Not a piece of entertainment. It wasn't built for the Call of Duty generation to blow each other up with fancy guns. It was a love letter to Bioshock fans. A gorgeous love letter. I was in awe the entire way through, smiling, absorbing every piece of story and every nook and cranny of Columbia. I talked to every NPC, listened to every conversation. Looked over the sides like a tourist. This game was made for people like me. The marketing pressure caused 2K to market it beyond me, to put a burly gun-wielding Booker on the front. They made it seem like a shooter. It was first person, and it had guns, but it wasn't a shooter. It was an interactive story. With guns. :)

I am seeing an evolution in 'hardcore' video games towards becoming standalone pieces of art. Without the need for stomping/ shooting/ punching 'bad guys'. While early puzzle games like Myst were widely popular early on with this idea of interactive storybooks, it is just now catching on. Powerful development tools are available to the masses, and indie games can be built to tell stories, not to follow standard gameplay rules.

Throw the rules out the window, tell your story! Don't feel weighed down by the pressure to create innovate gameplay. Take a solid engine, solid code, add a story and your characters, and create magic! I don't feel that there needs to be innovation for a game to be great. I only think it needs to be compelling, whether that is through gameplay, visuals, story, or characters. It is a new way of thinking about games, but one I feel is a very natural movement with as many games that are out now. We can be picky. We can play games that only have the stuff we like in them. There is no reason to shoot up alien hordes for a nugget of good story if we don't like shooting games. And I don't think developers should feel pressured to throw the kitchen sink into these things. Solid gold story with tried and truw mechanics is a solid gold game, in my mind. Demanding that everything is always the best of the best, the most innovative, the brightest, I think stymies really good games that are absolutely worth playing. That is a shame, and I hope this is on a path of change. I want to see more art in the game world!