Wednesday, September 24, 2014


Just pondering over here...

I am not sure where my ego ends and my cynicism begins.

Many times I feel... and I cringe to say this because it goes against my beliefs... better than others. Smarter, more capable. Over qualified. It makes me become super hard on myself, but also causes me to be distanced from others. Not only am I embarrassed for my lack of achievement, I feel like I can't relate with others. They are so different, no one understands the sound of how awesome I am. It would be emo if my ego wasn't driving it.

My practical side smacks my ego around, and tries to tell it to quit being a witch. I try to connect to people, telling myself we are the same. My stress kicks in, fueled by cynicism. They are dumb sheep, it says. Look at the state of things! I am not an idiot who would make such awful decisions! I make bad ones, but none as awful as all these awful people I am surrounded with make. I can't be like them, they are impractical and stupid. I can't take advice from them, because they are too stupid to be able to say anything profound. I can't relate to them because I am different, better, than them. I might as well be a different species. They say and do everything so unconsciously, driven by instinct and social conditioning. I am painfully aware of all these awkward bits that make humans, and myself, do all these silly things. They don't see it... do they?

It feels like no one can connect or relate to me, so how can I connect or relate to others? My mind is isolating me further as the lack of feeling fulfilled sends it scrambling for comfort. It continually closes in on my ego, protecting it from my failure. "You are better than them..." it hisses in my ear. "You aren't achieving or feeling fulfilled because they don't understand you. They don't give you a chance. They are fools. The sheep have allowed the economy to go to shit, and it it raining down on you. It isn't your fault you are a loser, the world is standing in your way..."

In it's own way all this fuels my depression. I know how asinine this all sounds, how hypocritical, egotistical, arrogant, insanely... insane. I know it all comes down to me. I can't blame the world for my failures, but half of me does. Trying to protect my ego it holds on this so tightly. Will NOT let go no matter how much I run this around in my head. It conflicts with my beliefs to hold onto these little ego fortress, but if my ego is gone the depression becomes overwhemling. I cannot function when I face myself. I protect myself by refusing to take risks, because I spend all my energy trying to hold back tides. And the pressure it building, and building. No relief. The depression overflows until I get the ego wall shored up again, this time stronger and more insistant. This time more distant from others, feeling more alienated.

I am afraid of how high this wall will go. Or what will happen when the dam breaks. Because one will happen, soon. I am becoming so isolated, angry, unable to relate. I put on my Cheshire smile, a mask, hide behind it, all the while boiling over underneath. My conflictions screaming at me while all remaining energy is spent holding the mask on. I crash so hard when the dam overflows. The wall is so high I look down on everyone beneath me. I feel so trapped and unable to move, standing at the dam, unable to do anything else but watch it and keep it under control.

The depression is manageable, haphazardly held back by an artificial paradox. The cognitive dissonance is overwhelming. I don't know what to do. I feel smothered by it. A tangled web, which threads can I cut without causing this delicate balance to come crashing down? I can't bring myself to lower the ego wall, accepting things 'beneath' me. The depression overflows. I can't stay where I am, because the wall is getting so high I can barely breathe in this thin air, cut off from the world.

So here I stand on my wall, waiting for relief. Some other outlet for the depression tide so I can lower the ego wall safely. Something to reinforce the ego wall so I don't have to build it higher. Something to distract me from the exhaustion of being up here 24/7. A flow of fulfillment, so I can give a finger to this entire fucking ego dam, climb down, and let the depression tide dry up on it's own without this endless flow of foul cognitive dissonance cumulatively filling it up. I can't leave to seek solutions, only watch, wait, hope, that it will hold, and that help comes soon... I feel so helpless, the feeling only adding to the tide and this horrifying cycle...

There it goes, the trickle flowing over the top again. I need to go build my dam up more.