Monday, May 14, 2012

The Ingeminate Epiphany

I need to go back to school. There is more I need to study, and I was just hitting my stride when I graduated. I had just found the place I needed to be. I had lost just enough weight to have my life again, and be able to exercise and move around day day to day. Enough to hold a normal job. I had found the major that I loved, and the environment that I loved to be in. I was so, so happy looking at and exploring art, being constantly emerged in it. I was constantly inspired to spend long nights working on my own art.

I just... can't find it any more. I try to sit down and create, but nothing comes to me. Little joy comes of it. I don't have to inspiration to work on a project for hours and days. I get frustrated and lost easily. I am gaining back the weight I lost, and can't motivate myself to change it.

I visited UC Berkley a couple years ago. It was like, for the days I was there, I had found it again. I felt so alive wandering the gorgeous campus and the surrounding town. I remembered the creativity, and longed for it again.

I want to study art again. I need to study art again. I need to explore other people's ideas and creations, and I need to explore my own ideas and creations. I need that energy instead of this slow retrogression.

And I keep coming to this realization. But reality of my current life keeps pulling me back. I just keep trudging forward, day to day, waiting for an opportunity... of some kind.

I don't even know where to go to school. I suppose that is part of this vague 'opportunity' I am waiting for... I know what kind of art I enjoy. Set design would be great fun. But I wouldn't mind studying more sculpture work either.

My job also likes to transfer within the company to other properties... so I guess I am hoping I can work that angle to my advantage. But I have to get myself in a much better position first. And I am not getting younger, or healthier, while waiting...


Time to get ready for work. Back to the grind. And the waiting game. Hoping this afflatus doesn't fizzle in the process...