Performing systems check...

%79%6f%75%20%66%61%74%20%70%69%67%20%74%68%65%72%65%20%79%6f%75%20%67%6f%20%61%67%61%69%6e%2e%20%61%74%20%77%68%61%74%20%70%6f%69%6e%74%20%77%69%6c%6c%20%79%6f%75%20%66%69%78%20%74%68%69%73%20%69%6e%73%74%65%61%64%20%6f%66%20%69%67%6e%6f%72%69%6e%67%20%69%74%2e%20%68%6f%77%20%6d%75%63%68%20%6c%6f%6e%67%65%72%20%63%61%6e%20%79%6f%75%20%63%6f%6e%74%69%6e%75%65%2e
Multiple system errors. All functions halted.

Unable to load sys32 files c:\kita\moods\happy; c:\kita\motivation; c:\kita\art; c:\kita\movement.

Unable to initialize kernel.

Out of memory.

Drive is full.

Abort, retry, fail?_f

C:\>defrag c:

Not enough disk space to defragment. Please clear space on drive before continuing.

C:\>del C:\kita\moods\happy\chipper

C:\>defrag c:

Not enough disk space to defragment. Please clear space on drive before continuing.

C:\>del c:\kita\moods\happy\outgoing

C:\>defrag c:

Not enough disk space to defragment. Please clear space on drive before continuing.

C:\>del c:\kita\moods\happy

Deleting this file will cause system instability. Continue?_n

C:\>defrag c: -f

defragmenting...

....


...


....


...

Defragment complete. Drive is 95% fragmented. 98% full.

C:\>convert c: /fs:ntfs

The type of file system is FAT32.

Enter current volume label for drive C: JEN

please wait..._

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...

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...

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...

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...

Convert cannot run because the volume does not have enough free space. Clear space on drive to continue.

C:\>_del c:\kita\food\junk\fat

C:\>convert c: /fs:ntfs

The type of file system is FAT32.

Enter current volume label for drive C: JEN

please wait..._

...

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...

.

...

Convert cannot run because the volume does not have enough free space. Clear space on drive to continue.

C:\>_del c:\kita\food\junk\sugar

C:\>convert c: /fs:ntfs

The type of file system is FAT32.

Enter current volume label for drive C: JEN

please wait..._

...

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...

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...

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...

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...

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...

Convert cannot run because the volume does not have enough free space. Clear space on drive to continue.

C:\>_del c:\kita\food\junk

please wait...

...


...


...


...

%61%72%65%20%79%6f%75%20%6a%75%73%74%20%67%6f%69%6e%67%20%74%6f%20%73%74%61%6e%64%20%74%68%65%72%65%20%77%68%69%6c%65%20%74%68%65%20%77%61%74%65%72%20%72%69%73%65%73%20%61%62%6f%76%65%20%79%6f%75%72%20%68%65%61%64%20%61%67%61%69%6e%3f%20%61%72%65%20%79%6f%75%20%6a%75%73%74%20%77%61%69%74%69%6e%67%20%66%6f%72%20%69%74%20%74%6f%20%73%77%65%65%70%20%79%6f%75%20%75%6e%64%65%72%20%73%6f%20%79%6f%75%20%64%6f%6e%74%20%68%61%76%65%20%74%6f%20%73%77%69%6d%3f
Out of memory. Abort, retry, fail?_f

C:\>del c:\kita\food\meat


C:\>defrag c: -f

defragmenting...

....


...


....


...

Defragment complete. Drive is 53% fragmented. 93% full.

C:\>convert c: /fs:ntfs

The type of file system is FAT32.

Enter current volume label for drive C: JEN

please wait..._

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...

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Convert cannot run because the volume does not have enough free space. Clear space on drive to continue.

C:\>del c:\kita\archives

%6d%69%67%68%74%20%61%73%20%77%65%6c%6c%20%62%75%79%20%79%6f%75%72%20%77%61%6c%6d%61%72%74%20%66%61%74%73%74%69%63%6b%20%6e%6f%77%20%73%69%6e%63%65%20%74%68%61%74%20%69%73%20%74%68%65%20%6c%69%66%65%20%79%6f%75%20%61%72%65%20%6c%69%76%69%6e%67%20%63%6f%6e%74%65%6e%74%65%64%6c%79%2e
Out of memory. Abort, retry, fail?_i

%6e%6f%20%6f%6e%65%20%69%73%20%67%6f%69%6e%67%20%74%6f%20%73%61%76%65%20%79%6f%75%2e%20%67%72%6f%77%20%74%68%65%20%66%75%63%6b%20%75%70%20%61%6e%64%20%67%65%74%20%74%68%65%20%68%65%6c%6c%20%6f%75%74%20%6f%66%20%68%65%72%65%2e
Multiple system errors. Abort, retry, fail?_f

C:\>del c:\kita\food

Deleting this file will cause system instability. Continue?_y

...working

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...working

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...working

motivation

Saying I have been lacking motivation lately isn't quite right. When I am at work, or even just driving to work, my mind is exploding. I am brimming with ideas, and would rather be working on any of them than to be where I am at the moment. I want to be in that world more than  the one I know I will have to wake up to and deal with tommorrow. I vow to work on it when I get home or have a day off. And I never, ever do...

I have this little notebook I keep with me. It carries the hope of 'one day'. So many days, it is how I keep myself going. Proof to myself I have awesome ideas. And a source of disappointment that all I have done with them is scribble some crappy notes.

Home is my soma. I am happy and VERY comfortable there. I just want to relax and enjoy doing nothing. The next time I am work, I am kicking myself for wasting my time. It has been and endless pattern for a year, and I can't seem to break it.

I am so exhausted, all the time, with everything. I always seem to be cranky or moody or angry, and almost always all these things simultaniously with myself.

*sigh* I know I should talk to a therapist. It is very difficult for me to find a good one, and my current healthcare provider inspires zero confidence in me in terms of them finding the right one for me. I have been treated like livestock so far, and have seen zero indication of anyone ever being treated otherwise. The doctors and nurses didn't even have a single recommendation. This is a first. I have found all the good ones that way.

It feels too daunting to even try. They are supposed to help ease things, not make things more difficult.

Gawd I sound whiney. Another side effect, I suppose.

It's lunch time at work, and I am hungry. Can't bring myself to stuff a single bite in my fat face. I just want it to all go away... this eating disorder, this depression, this horrible job that doesn't even pay all the bills.

I am caught in a feedback loop, where each element is causing the other one, causing an infinate cycle of crap.

I want it to stop so I can live life instead of mourn it. This isn't me.