Saying I have been lacking motivation lately isn't quite right. When I am at work, or even just driving to work, my mind is exploding. I am brimming with ideas, and would rather be working on any of them than to be where I am at the moment. I want to be in that world more than the one I know I will have to wake up to and deal with tommorrow. I vow to work on it when I get home or have a day off. And I never, ever do...
I have this little notebook I keep with me. It carries the hope of 'one day'. So many days, it is how I keep myself going. Proof to myself I have awesome ideas. And a source of disappointment that all I have done with them is scribble some crappy notes.
Home is my soma. I am happy and VERY comfortable there. I just want to relax and enjoy doing nothing. The next time I am work, I am kicking myself for wasting my time. It has been and endless pattern for a year, and I can't seem to break it.
I am so exhausted, all the time, with everything. I always seem to be cranky or moody or angry, and almost always all these things simultaniously with myself.
*sigh* I know I should talk to a therapist. It is very difficult for me to find a good one, and my current healthcare provider inspires zero confidence in me in terms of them finding the right one for me. I have been treated like livestock so far, and have seen zero indication of anyone ever being treated otherwise. The doctors and nurses didn't even have a single recommendation. This is a first. I have found all the good ones that way.
It feels too daunting to even try. They are supposed to help ease things, not make things more difficult.
Gawd I sound whiney. Another side effect, I suppose.
It's lunch time at work, and I am hungry. Can't bring myself to stuff a single bite in my fat face. I just want it to all go away... this eating disorder, this depression, this horrible job that doesn't even pay all the bills.
I am caught in a feedback loop, where each element is causing the other one, causing an infinate cycle of crap.
I want it to stop so I can live life instead of mourn it. This isn't me.
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