Saturday, August 8, 2015


I have trouble, at times (often) expressing myself succinctly, or I feel like I lose people and they are nodding along, so I keep going, and lose them so much they become bored. So, I have gotten in the habit of creating analogies to attempt to explain a feeling or though. I am a highly, highly visual person as well, and if I can't visualize something, my mind can have trouble focusing. I can conceptualize highly abstract and theoretical things, so much so this is the areas I REALLY lose people, and can lose myself, as language is a barrier in actually explaining the concept. But to accomplish this, I really, really have to focus and move myself into that space of my mind. And once I am snapped out of it, I am dazed for a varying amount of time, my mind finding itself suddenly drained and lost in being caught back in reality... and then it is gone. Wherever I was, I can't find it again. Finding it intentionally can be done with solitude, deep focus, and meditation. But by far I find myself in these places accidentally. I wander there. I skip around in my mind, following threads, internalizing, internalizing, deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole... until it is like I am in the nexus. A self-center where I see the universe. M-monster has described such feelings when he trips, and when he relayed DMT in particular, I nodded in understanding even though I have never tried it. NODDED IN UNDERSTANDING. Because I have been there. I get lost in the forest and suddenly find myself in a clearing... and I am there. He doesn't believe me. So this is my attempt to explain a bit about my inner workings and how minds process their physical and intangible natures.

Imagine, if you will, we all live in clear cages. We can't see the walls, most don't know they are there. We don't understand them, but we know they exist. Like a wild animal in a zoo, knowing it can't charge through the glass. It might know it is there (after bumping into it initially), and accepts it. If they are an inactive animal, or have a very large enclosure, they might not even realize they are contained. They happily live their lives, food appearing next to their nest/ home, a mate nearby, nice little areas to explore and patrol near the house. All needs met, no reason to explore beyond. This is how most people live their lives. Sitting in their clear cage, content. Not seeing, or perhaps not caring, about the borders. They see the space around them, and live within it. They never stretch too far, because needs are so close they don't feel they need to. They never notice the walls, or maybe one day they wandered in one direction until they found one, shrugged their shoulders, and went away from it back to their happy space where there were no walls. They find their place, and live a normal life raising further generations in this space as they see fit. Some might be birds with clipped wings, even. Some are content that despite not being able to fly, they still have their needs met. Others are miserable, flopping around, trying to figure out their place and why it feels so wrong, too lost in their plight to ever explore, wandering in miserable circles in the middle of their cage. A few fortunate ones have a huge enclosure, and long legs or unclipped wings that allow them to run and explore. There is so much to see, explore, learn, and do in there, and that is what they do. Some squander this opportunity, choosing to live like others despite their obvious advantages.

I have always dreamed of being the one with the long legs, the wings, in an expansive space that I can explore, learn, and grow in. But, I am not. At this point, people will respond with 'it is all in your head'... which is the point, to an extent. I am talking here about physical limitations here as well. The wall represents limits of the mind, physical ones, and the space between it is what we are free to explore. The nature of the physical animal is the physical body itself, existing within the physical confines of the mind. 

Comparing myself to a bird with clipped wings may be the more debatable expression, but the real issue it causes me is; I see the others, with their wings, flying. Their legs, running. I see the ones happily living in their little holes. I see huge, expansive enclosures without an end in sight. I know such realities exist. And I have seen all this because I know I am in a cage, and I can look through my walls and see them too. I flop around on the ground, circling my wall by foot. My physical body limitation. I look through the glass, trace myself around it, trying to push into the bigger place beyond. The physical limits of my mind. I see the world out there, even beyond the cages of other, and more than anything in all existence, that is where I would rather be. In the beyond, not in a cage of any sort, no matter the size. Like the stressed tiger, endlessly walking in circles of their enclosure, rubbing against the glass so much their fur is worn off and the skin is raw. It knows. It knows it is in a cage. And it wants out. It needs out. 

Long ago I found the physical limitations of my mind, and began circling and pushing up against the walls. And it pains me to no end to know of them and find them at every turn. I know where the ones I have found are, and finding a new ones breaks my heart every time, like I expected to find something else this time. I explore the cage, looking for holes, a way out. And I only meet glass. Every time I think I found...more... I hit glass. I hit my physical limits. My intangible mind, my understanding, is physically limited from expanding beyond a certain point, and I know it. I can feel it. I can see it. I can see what is beyond, through those clear walls, but I cannot know it. I cannot touch it. I cannot experience it. I cannot fly to the sky into the endless possibilities, I can only flop on the ground, tracing myself around the borders, until my feathers are raw... hoping... one day to find a way out.

What I have been working on is trying to be like the other happy animals. Find a place in my cage. But when you know you are in a cage, and there is more out there you cannot touch, see, experience... it is so hard. I cannot sit still. I do stupid shit to distract myself. I eat too much to feel the excitement, the newness, the novelty, that I crave but cannot have. It is not the beyond, it is just a dream. I dream of the world outside, the one that is not mine, and will never be mine or anyone else's. I dream of even having wings, flying free to forget the walls and cage. Long legs to run, feel the wind and rush, climb over the stones and jump and leap and make a playground of my space. I was not built to be where I am. I am not meant to be contained, it is not the nature of my kind... whatever I am. I am not meant to flop on the ground. None of this feels right. The only thing that feels right is that I am alive, and I am me. My space is all wrong, my physical space. My body would be bearable if my mind wasn't so physically limited (and it is, the only people who say that a mind is limitless are ones whom haven't explored their own cages). The limits of my mind would be bearable if my body wasn't limited. If there was something in my world to get lost in, the cage wouldn't matter. I am not great at anything, but just fine or good at many things. Nothing is mine, nothing is me. Not for lack of trying, but for existence of real, physical barriers. I explore this space of mine, finding new things to see, and always finding a wall or clipped wings hindering further exploration. And I cannot be content with the small, with the everyday. The beyond is out there, the walls bar me. My wings are clipped and I cannot experience the joys others do. With this knowledge, can I ever be happy?

I debate whether I would be happier to stop looking around, stop exploring. The one thing I have pride me. And my nature is to explore. I would have to stop to be be happy. Then, what is the point? Why exist to be content and lifeless, a warm body to propagate and exist, not live. I want so badly to find a home, to stop tracing the borders of my cage... but I also never want to stop seeing. I don't want to stop knowing the intangible. To know it exists. To be able to meditate, and find the wall, and see a glimpse of the beyond and intangible when I do. To wander and find a wall, look beyond, and not feel despair at finding the wall again but instead enjoying the fleeting experience. But I also don't want to get so lost in my despair that this glimpse stops bringing me hope and inspiration. It doesn't bring any sort of tangible or usable feelings... more just a recharge, a reminder of who I really am, what makes me who I am. I have no tangible, useful skills that someone happily living in their space, ignorant of their cage doesn't,also have. I have even less than those with the wings and legs. I have the intangible in abundance. Knowledge and sight of something others cannot ever see. How to translate it, to communicate it to others, especially when I lack any physical ability to do so... that has been the struggle for me lately. What brings me the most despair and anxiety. I cannot ever seem to properly express what I see, what I know, who I am.

I find glimpses of people who seem to see the cage too, but they live distantly and more often than not, don't see much of anything. They found one wall before wandering back to their happy space, never looking for it again, content, and perhaps scared. They don't wonder what else is there, and they don't think about the wall they saw. Some, like M-Monster, find it amusing to have their faces smashed up against it and forced to stare into the beyond and abyss, unable to blink, before wandering back into their space, swirling briefly with the knowledge. They become content enough to continue on their lives in their space, never looking for answers or anything more, until they feel an itch for something amusing again. They were not meant to know of it.  And maybe I wasn't either. It exhausts me, finding nothing but walls, always staring at the others or the beyond. Living beyond, perhaps, is where I am meant to be, or perhaps, merely not knowing of it and living with wings, flying, and making the most of my space is where I am meant to be. But neither are what is, nor will they ever be. I am caught between. Seeing and knowing of two existences; One I am never meant to comprehend but possess the knowledge of it's existence, and another I am not meant to experience, but see it's existence.

Grass is always greener when you live on a rock. Everyone simplifies me with trite phrases, telling me to just be happy with what I have like others, to stop itching the scratch, stop looking at something if it pains me to look at it. They don't understand that my ability to see is all I actually have. And maybe I am meant to be such a contradiction, filled with endless amounts of hope, wonder, and despair simultaneously. To know OF so much, yet KNOW nothing. To see the big picture without a zoom. I have an expansive mind, filling it to it's brim. But it isn't a large one, and the brim is not all that deep. It is nice to think that anyone cares that I use my mind to it's capacity, an unusual quality, but they don't. It leads to confusion on most people's part who think I am 'smart', even though I am not and tell them such. They are always disappointed later on when they find my limitations I was already well aware of and tried to warn them of. And it is always my fault, people thinking I don't care or am not trying. I am... there is just this wall here... A lazy smart person is far more appreciated, because they never disappoint when they have plenty of room to expand. Good for them. I would fill that bad boy up to the brim if I had one, so excuse me for being a bit bitter towards those who waste something so beautiful by keeping it empty.


I am slumped up against a very familiar wall right now, one I have been rubbing against quite a bit lately. And it exhausts me to flop all the way over here. I am drained. One with wings or legs might still have energy, but I don't. I am pretty spent, and most likely won't come back to edit this. So it is what it is, another hot mess stream of consciousness. 

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