Today I went on a tab hunt again, and decided to pick some more at the very long Job Hunt/ WTF am I doing with my life/ WTF do I want to do with my life tangent. This particular one started at Life Hacker a good 6 months ago, and has been an ongoing follow up link progression. I have been chasing down link after link, day after day, and I poke at the pile of resources every once in a while.
After months of work, I have really begun to focus in on the good stuff, the important and relevant stuff. Today, I found a blog called 'Puttylike'. There I found the 'Undeclared for Life Manifesto'. For the first time, I felt like I was reading something by someone who understands me and my interests, because that is who she is!
All of the other things I had read were trying to get me to find something I like/ am good at and stick with it. Not helpful when I am good/ like a lot of things, and as much as I try, just plain cannot simply choose one. I am interested in so many things, I want to do so many things, I can't imagine spending my whole life in one area of interest. My problem isn't that I don't know what I like, which is what most of the articles I found were about. The problem is I don't know what I like best, nor how to make money/ a career out of liking a lot of things. It has been frustrating, since most resources had me skipping ahead the 'Find what you love!' parts, which then went into 'Follow your passion! Here is where you can find work at it!'. Ok, great. There is a gap between those two steps I have fallen between that I feel most people don't experience. Which job do I choose? How do I convince said job interest I am 'dedicated' and am a 'professional' in the area when I have had little training, and am not focused on moving up a ladder in that one path? No one wants to hear either. No one wants an employee like me. There is no room for a Jane of All Trades in the modern workplace, where corporate structure has so carefully laid out and planned the business model, and only relevant positions are needed to make the model work. I don't fit into any model. I am my own miniature model, actually. I have miniature versions of everything inside me, instead of just being one regular sized item. I feel like my own self-contained package that says a lot and is entertaining to look at and discuss, but seems to serve no useful purpose.
Talking to others is just as frustrating. They seem to think I am not looking hard enough for work (I admit, I have stopped actively looking after years of finding only the same stuff), and even worse, misunderstand my skills and the skills required in the workplace. My mom seems to think that since I am and 'artist' who likes computers, it is the same as 'graphic designer'. She thinks that being good with computers equals 'digital design'. And she doesn't understand why I don't apply for these jobs or why I can't seem to get them when I have applied. Most people I know are the same way about all my skills. I dabble in it, that means I am an expert, right? If I have shown interest, it means I should get a job doing it! I should focus on that, go to school again (which I have considered... but there are SO MANY things I want to study that I can't decide what to go for! Different schools for everything! Grrr...) I applied for a graphic design job, using my self-taught Photoshop skills as my main selling point. They wanted me to sit down with the design guy who was leaving and show what I could do. He seemed frustrated and pained as he watched me work, and I knew I wasn't doing it the way that was taught in design school. I wasn't using the appropriate tools for the tasks, and it took me longer because of it. I was always happy with my photoshop and digital work, but I realized after that I really am still a novice in terms of professional knowledge with it. Plus, I learned on and have been using Photoshop 7 for over 10 years now. WAY outdated. And I still don't know how to use everything in 7. Obviously I didn't get the job (and not even a callback, even when I called THEM back, a tiny office of 5, asking for a followup, and never got one... I guess it was THAT bad...) It was simple work too, I thought I did ok, but apparently I blew it. That particular case left a bad taste in my mouth, and I have not applied for a digital position since.
So, anyways, I spent the day reading through that manifesto, then following more link tangents that spouted from it. I am considering joining her group, and seeing what that is like. Seems like some nice, like-minded types, and I could use some help staying motivated, as well as having some people who understand me that I can to talk to...
Spent time reading through some more D&D stuff too, just confirming all my changes are Kosher and trying to chase down info on hanging issues too. It was a couple hours worth of reading and clicking around that happened in the middle of reading the Puttylike and related tangents, so I thought it was worth mentioning.
Ugh, there goes M Monster again, gnashing away at me... I'm spent.
A final note-- I need to start up my comics again, this has been really bugging me. I have tons in sketchbooks that I never finished, and even more in my mind I haven't even sketched. I set up this blog as a place for LG, but have yet to post any comics... The first set is pretty easy, but there are some little addendum comics I want to insert between the ones I already published, so I need to do some work before just slapping them up. Of course, I haven't finished some of those, and some I haven't even sketched. Argh. DAMN YOU ADD brain! -_-
Closing out tabs from today, decided to watch http://foureyedmonsters.com/feature_film/ Well done, but not my kind of movie. I stuck through it and watched it all, however. I know lots of people that would love this film. I personally just can't stand watching stuff about relationships, I CANNOT STAND chick flicks or romcoms. I have limited tolerance for straight dramas. While I like depth, and lots of it, I feel stuff about relationships is self indulgent, narcissistic, and... I ran out of repertoire, it's late. I just don't like to watch stuff about it, I guess I feel it is personal and not a world I feel comfortable in or even can find myself giving two shits about. It's their business. I care mildly if I am connected to the person, and that is the most I can muster. I guess I will put this out there, that I plan on specifically NOT featuring relationship love stories or any googly eye moments in 'On Tour'. There will be NONE of it in my sci-fi stuff. It has NO place there. 'On Tour', due to it's nature, will have references to it, but won't focus on it. I won't be playing ANY 'match up' or 'romantic tension' bullshit. Ugh. Gag me. I wrote some non fiction in a non fiction course while in college. I did NOT want to take the course, but it was required for my minor. For my main project I had no ideas. So, I did a kind of journal about my relationships with M Monster, real life friends, and virtual friends. It was basically current events in my boring, tediously uneventful life. The most exciting stuff happened while playing video games with strangers, and most of the 'excitement' was typical, overblown, and forgettable internet drama. I thought it was awful. My classmates, especially females, LOVED it. Like, I had three requests after the final project begging me to finish and send them the story. I never touched the story again. I looked at it years later, and cringed. I think I might delete it entirely in the not too distant future. My hesitation comes from the overwhelming, and unexpectedly positive, responses to it. It would be long gone otherwise.
As a side note, this journaling has made we realize that I do play less than I thought I do, and I actually am 'busy' (it's in quotes AND italicized for a reason...) most of the time. I am wasting time, but I am not. I am not accomplishing things, but I am learning and exploring in the vast majority of my time. That has to count for something... as least I tell myself that so I don't feel like such a bum...
Ok, only time for an hour or so of video games. I have work in the morning...
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