Explosion

of the demons in my head. Normally, they dance around, poking me, pulling my hair and ears. I eat, and in those moments, they scatter. When they return, they return with a vengeance, mocking me for my weakness. Sometimes, I can concentrate really hard on a project, and I can ignore them. If my mind is distracted, they have trouble breaking through. When I am left to them, however, there is no mercy. They never let up, replaying things I did wrong in my childhood over and over again, something wrong I said last week, or forgot to do, or wish I said or did. The list goes on and on. Anything, everything, constantly, never letting things go.

Why can't I remember happy things, good things? My demons don't care for these, only misery. Every moment left to myself, when I am not eating, they are attacking me. I muster up strength, positive thinking, and they swoop in, crushing the positive feelings until there is not a trace left. Not even enough to write in a blog post, or to translate to art or writing. All that is left is me, shaking in a corner, no idea what to do with myself, waiting for them to go away so I can have a life.

I feel so broken. Lost. I can't do anything worthwhile, no skills. Just another warm body taking up space. I die, no one blinks, no one notices. Momentary sadness from immediate family. I have left nothing of importance in my wake.

To me, this is unacceptable. I feel that I should have accomplished something by now, that I was MEANT to do something. I have no clue what. I am sure it is more than drifting through life aimlessly. I also know that my failure is all my own fault. Maybe there are signs I missed? My head in the clouds, distracted by my demons, I have trouble seeing anything related to self. I just see them, hear them, feel them pulling me down.

They revel and gloat in their victories over me. It whips them into a frenzy as they rip me apart. Venom drips from my own lips as their words become mine. Sleep or food is the only respite from the madness. Sleep does not come to a mind so agitated. Focus on anything else is a laughably impossible undertaking.

I gorge until I can sleep. I live to fight another day. If one calls this 'living'...