Champagne Citrus Swai

No, not vegan. But BOY did this turn out good! I only post my AMAZING recipes, so you know it has to be good if it passed that test!

I didn't know what Swai was when I picked it up. It was on sale, cheap, so I figured I would try some. Google told me that it is another inexpensive white fish as an alternative to Tilapia, Cod, and Catfish. I found this fish FAR superior to all of those fish. Zero fishiness, this recipe tastes like a delicate white protein, which I prefer over... fish. Blech. I will try it again with another white fish and see if they turn out as good, but I have a feeling that Swai is just a better, more mild fish overall :) There was almost no fishy smell when preparing it, despite the fact the fish was purchased the date of expiration (you know, on sale...) and stuffed in the freezer for months before I pulled it out to make this. Most stuff gets a bit... fishy... when I do that, but not the Swai!

Champagne Citrus Swai

Swai (about 1/2 lb)
Whole wheat flour, about 1/2 cup
Olive oil
Truffle Oil (optional)
Lemon Pepper
Garlic powder
Orange Muscat Champagne vinegar (I find it regularly and inexpensively at Trader Joes, use regular Champagne Vinegar and a dash of orange juice as a substitute)
Dry Sherry

Pat Swai dry, as dry as you can get it!

Grind some of that lemon pepper and about 1 tsp of garlic powder into the flour, and mix together (add a dash of salt if your lemon pepper is unsalted).

Sprinkle half of the flour on a plate, and set the Swai on top. Sprinkle the rest of flour on top of the fish. Rub the flour into the fish, getting all the sides too! Flip over and repeat.

Heat about 1 tbsp of olive oil in a pan on medium heat. Add 1 tbsp of truffle oil (or another tbsp of olive if you decide not to use it) and place the fish in the pan.

Fry for three minutes on each side, or until fish is golden brown, adding a bit more olive oil if needed.

After the second side is done, deglaze with 1/3 cup of vinegar and a glug of Sherry (couple tablespoons) over the top of the fish. Cook for two more minutes on each side.

There was a good amount of vinegar left when I was done, so I continued cooking it down after I removed the fish to make a glaze. I found the fish was so flavorful, it didn't need it! But it goes GREAT with some rice!

The Ouroboros

My day is filled with fleeting ideas, pieces of stories, clever sayings, words of wisdom, extistensial meanderings... but I never write them down. Too busy. Elbow deep in work, in the middle of other tasks otherwise difficult to pull away from... then they are gone. I comfort myself by telling myself I will remember the ideas eventually and write them down into something great, like 'On Tour'. I never remember.

...gonna steal time from the faulty plan...

(ironic since 'On Tour' is about Phish...) I know my memory blows. Not a chance in hell I will remember this shit. I am lucky if I remember a small fraction in random moments that remind me.

...gotta blank space where my mind should be...

My days off just feel like recoup days, and days where I plan on cleaning the house that drives me insane with how messy it is. Or, I plan on running errands, finishing projects. More time than not, I look at the mess and get too overwhelmed and tired to touch it. I cant find the energy or give-a-shit to finish projects or run errands. So things just pile up on top of me and around me in this endless cycle of too-much-shit is too overwhelming, so it piles into an ever growing heap of shit that is heavier and harder to deal with each time I look at it.

...got strange demands piled up on me...

Some days, I want to chuck it all, give the finger to everything, and disappear.  Flat out, drop off the grid and try to figure shit out.

...gonna shrug demands off of me...

Then I get rational and realize life would become WAY harder and more complicated, with new piles of shit, in exchange for adventure. One pile of shit for another? Ugh. There is no escape, is there? I stay trapped in this loop or get stuck in another. Either way, I feel like a fucking verbil grinding away, thinking if I run fast enough in this wheel, I can be free of it.

...got memories. .. got memories. .. got memories of being free...

Sometimes I get this fleeting feeling that, in a past life, alternate timeline, evil twin of me, whatever you want to call it, that I wasn't in this rat race. That I was fulfilled, doing what I want, making a difference, and being free... Maybe it's just a daydream projection of where I want to be. Go ask a dozen doctors, get a dozen different answers. I don't know why I feel this anxiety so deep down, this feeling that things are not right but exactly as they are meant to be. Like a mismatched soul to time and place, which goes back to a feeling I have had since I was old enough to remember having any. I always have felt awkward and out of place, and out of time as well once I understood that dimension. Fantasy and Sci-fi stories have always felt like more comfortable places than this one. Which is how we come back full circle to my head in the clouds, dreaming of places and lives I would rather be in and living than this one. Anywhere but here, more times than not. Living two lives, the one I am in and don't want, while dreaming of new ones in my head I want but am not in.

...got clouds that seem to follow me...

I just melt into depression when it gets to be too much. Piles of shit from a life I don't want, why do I keep running a race I don't want to win, in a sport I hate? I tell myself I can change the sport and race if I just get through it. My dangling carrot. If I am successful in this life, I can make new rules. Money can buy adventures and peace of mind. It can buy time so I can make a good plan and a life that feels like it fits... right? ...right? ...don't tell me I am wrong, because this can't be all there is... there has to be a rainbow on the other side of a pot of gold.

...gonna dream... gonna dream... dream of being free...

My spirals, my Ouroboros, looks something like this. Eating myself, my own soul, just to get to the next day. I go down these spirals, dreaming, trying to encourage myself when all evidence points to what I don't want to face, a life I don't want. No other nourishment, life, exists, so I gnaw at my own, waiting for that juicy mouse to sustain me long enough to slither off to a place where my Ouroboros,  and soul, can be fulfilled.

Gonna act as though I'm still a woman...

Even though I don't feel the part, I am going to wake up tomorrow and act like I belong. Just like I have been. The performance I have practiced for my whole life. Others play it better, but I get the feeling I am the only one acting here... Don't seem to have any other choice. Mask back on, lights, camera...

...gonna give you one last chance to see...

Back to you, Jen.

Spinning Clouds into Happiness

I'm more of the 'dip a toe in the water first before cannonballing into the hot springs from Dante's Peak' kinda gal. So, when it comes to deciding WHAT THE HELL I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE, my resume is quite diverse. I tinker in something, don't love it, and move on.

My bachelor's degree is in fine art, with a minor in writing. The minor is mostly due to requirements of my choice of major (I had to choose a minor), but it is also my 'second choice', so to say. I flopped between a number of majors before making up my mind. Began in Animal Science in order to get into Biotechnology. Then I realized I am worse at math than Barbie. Switched to writing, which is what I have been told since I was young that I should be doing. I quickly grew bored of it, complete with my usual writer's block, and moved on to Political Science. Got out of that after a year of losing what little bit of rose left on my political glasses rubbed off, and went back to english. Floated there until I looked long and hard at the offerings of my university. I asked myself the big questions; if I could do ANYTHING, what do I want to do? I saw art classes. My first thought was, 'That isn't academics, that is just for fun!' Aha! If I could do ANYTHING, I wanted to do what was FUN.

So I did. Hands down, the best two years of my academic days. Best grades I had all through college. I had previously struggled to stay afloat in classes that couldn't hold my interest. But when I enjoyed and was interested in the subjects, the grades followed. English was a first choice because it has always been easy for me, not because I always enjoyed it. I just seem to have a knack for it, and am good at telling stories. Hell, sometimes I even enjoy that too! But, mostly, I have to be forced to write, either by a class or by a nagging story in my brain that wants to be told. I can't just sit down and stream bullshit without a plan, and I am terrible at planning...

My inability to plan, of course, comes back to my choice in major. Didn't quite think that one through. Sure, art is fun, but my original reason for avoiding it in college still held true; there is no future in it. It is fun. Yay. Hope you think waiting tables is fun too! That is why I originally chose a major in a budding field (science and technology) dealing with something I like (animals). Would it have been fun? Maybe. I like animals, I like computers, I like science and technology. But the reality is I wouldn't be getting paid to watch silly animal tricks on Youtube. I would be in a cubicle, or one scientist in a lab of hundreds, doing repetitive remedial tasks day in and day out. Is that better than doing repetitive, remedial tasks in a kitchen? The pay is better. But in terms of personal fulfillment... all things are equal. Both would have led to their own regrets about my collegiate choices. Damned either way, it seems. I chose the path of instant satisfaction, now I am back to where I started.

So where do I go now? I would love to get paid to tinker in someone's workshop, but that is no longer a reality for me. It isn't a realistic goal either. I technically paid THE UNIVERSITY to tinker around in their workshops, and they patted me on the head in return. I am told to just 'go ahead and do what you love.' Great, you have $35k to spot me for a workshop, a place to put the workshop, materials, and running cost to get me started? Just like writing, I sling some paint and get myself frustrated and disgusted, then abandon it for something else. So goes my life.

So here is my crossroads. I like stuff. Creative stuff. Yay, go me. I have nothing to show for it other than a few decent projects from university. My resume is a mish-mash of entry level jobs that never quite pay the bills and have only bought me time. I can blather on and on about my work ethic, my interests, what kind of shampoo I like, but it means nothing in the job world. What have I done with my life? Nothing. What do I want from life? Happiness. Everything. Nothing. World peace. Personal peace. Love. Art. Passion. Fun. But, mostly, happiness. Who cares? Not employers.

Make my own job, that is what M Monster keeps telling me. What job would that be? A courier for the clouds? Interstellar delivery driver? A server for the rich and famous on Parsonus 9? Cooking for Daleks? My head is in the clouds, and I can't get out. My happiness, my very soul of being, lies in imagination. Being everywhere but here. I can't write, I can't create, because I am too far away, floating and drifting. I suck at jobs that require me to be here, right now, because I always go somewhere I would rather be, in a time I would rather be. I float into places I don't want to be as well, and live with oogabs of regret, remorse, and pain. I can't let bad things go, and there is no room for good things to move in.

So here I am, spinning in circles, on my own cloud, on my own planet, in a solar system located in a galaxy far, far away, in the distant future a time long ago...

Is there any hope of every finding anyone else out here? Of finding my place, a sense of belonging, a home? Or am I going to be spinning these clouds for the rest of my life, laboring away for nothing in return?

At least I wrote something today, even if it was just another ridiculously fantastical and ramble-y blog post. I created something tangible... at least, as tangible as these things can get with me. Today was a good day.

Asian Glass Noodles with Tofu and Wood Ear Mushrooms

I went to the farmer's market today and found... FRESH WOOD EAR MUSHROOMS!

I had no idea what to use them with! But a generous basket for $3.50 was too great of a deal to pass up on a hard to find item.

I googled some recipes, and came up with mostly soups. I finally found this recipe on food.com, and liked the sound of a good stir fry for dinner!

Add on the fresh carrots, onion, garlic, and green onion from the farmer's market, homemade chili oil with garden-fresh hot peppers, homemade veggie stock, and we had a really awesome garden-fresh Asian stir fry!


-150g Glass Noodles
-1 package (14oz or so) of extra firm Tofu, pressed, and thinly sliced into roughly 2 inch long strips
-1/4 cup or so of thinly sliced green onion leaves
-1 - 2 carrots, julienned
-3 tbsp minced garlic
-1 large onion, thinly sliced in roughly 2 inch long strips
-1 loosely packed cup of wood ear mushrooms, thinly sliced in strips
-1 bay leaf
-2 tbsp annatto seeds
-2-4 cups veggie stock
-3 tbsp sesame oil
-2 tbsp seasoned rice vinegar (I had a nice red pepper version, but regular is fine too!)
-4 tbsp low sodium soy sauce
- 1 tbsp vegan oyster sauce (I was out of the vegan type, but it exists!)
-1-2 tbsp hot chili oil (use more if it is weak stuff, less if it is strong)
-garlic salt, to taste
-fresh black pepper, to taste

Add sesame oil to wok on low-medium heat. Add annato seeds and cook until the color has left the seeds and gone into the oil. Remove the seeds with a slotted spoon.

Raise heat to medium-high and add tofu and garlic. Cook tofu until it is golden brown and crisp on outside. Reduce heat to medium and add onion. Cook until transparent. Add carrots, soy sauce, and oyster sauce, and fry about 1 minute.

Remove everything from pan and set aside. Add 2 cups of veggie stock and bring to a boil. Add noodles and bay leaf, reduce to a simmer, and cover and simmer for 5 minutes. Check often, stirring as needed, and adding more stock as needed to keep noodles wet.

Remove and discard bay leaf. Add veggies and tofu back in the pan, along with mushrooms, chili oil, garlic salt, and pepper (to taste). Cook on low heat about 5 minutes, adding more stock if noodles dry out. Deglaze with rice vinegar in the last minute. Remove from heat and immediately stir in green onion leaves. Serve hot and fresh!



M monster went gaga over this! He loved it! We had the nice vegan fudge for desert. :) Perfect!

Vegan Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Fudge

Ok! So I modified a recipe I found in the penny saver. It has peanut butter, one of M monster's favorites :)

The recipe was called 'Terrine' and not 'fudge'. After looking up what Terrine is, I decided that was a horrible name. I am calling it fudge, even though it certainly is nowhere as sweet as fudge.

I contemplated whether or not to even adapt it to vegan. I had enough ingredients to make some reasonable substitutions, and vegan would be a bit tough. But I figured, hell, if I am already having to make substitutions, I might as well just go all vegan!

That was a good call, because I need the eggs for thanksgiving dinner tomorrow :)

So, here is my best recollection of what I did. As usual with me, I tinkered a lot with this, so the proportions, especially of the oil, margarine, and sugar, are most likely not quite right. I adjusted everything as needed for texture and to taste. I aimed to keep the recipe from being overly sweet, like fudge tends to be, and I think it turned out quite well balanced!


-4 oz Baker's unsweetened chocolate
-2 oz vegan margarine (I use Earth Balance)
-6 tbsp all natural smooth peanut butter. Look for the unsweetened, unsalted, smooth, roasted type. It is surprisingly common and easy to find in all stores these days! A few brands make them, I used Trader Joe's crunchy cause that was all I had! The easiest way to find the right peanut butter? Read the ingredients. All that should be in it is dry roasted peanuts. Done.
-5 tsp egg replacer + 2 tbsp vegan margarine
-1/2 cup sugar
-1 cup coconut milk
-3 tbsp or more of coconut oil, melted
-2 tbsp sugar
-2 tsp lemon juice

Glaze

-3 tbsp cocoa powder
-2 tbsp vegan margarine
- ~2 tbsp homemade 'corn syrup' recipe to follow

Line an 11x7 inch pan with plastic wrap.

In a stainless steel bowl (or double boiler), combine the chocolate, peanut butter, and 2 oz of margarine.  Place the bowl on top of a pot of simmering water, taking care to not let the bottom of the bowl touch the water. Heat, stirring occasionally, until everything melts. Remove from heat and whisk until smooth.

Warm 2 tbsp of vegan margarine in the microwave until it is melted and warm (not hot!) to the touch. Whip together with the egg replacer and sugar. Whisk slowly into the chocolate mixture in three equal additions.

In a separate bowl, combine the coconut milk, sugar, and lemon juice. With blender on high (you can also do this with a food processor, or I used a handheld dressing blender) begin whipping the milk. Slowly drizzle the coconut oil into the bowl as you mix. We want this to emulsify and combine. Continue to whip until milk becomes thick and creamy, adding more melted coconut oil as needed.

Fold your coconut cream into the chocolate mixture. Pour mixture into plastic lined pan, and refrigerate for 4 hours. (or, you can cheat like me and freeze it for one hour!)

As fudge is cooling, let's make the glaze.

High-fructose free 'corn syrup' substitute

-1/2 cup water
-1 cup sugar

Combine the water and sugar in a saucepan and turn on heat to low. Bring to a simmer, stirring constantly. It should begin to melt and simmer quite quickly. Keep and eye on it, and heat it until it sticks to the back of a spoon. I like to get some on the spoon, then blow on the spoon until it is cool and touch the syrup to see if it is tacky. It should be the consistency of a really chewy, sticky candy when cooled. You can cook it less if you want a thread (which is what syrups are usually cooked to), but for this recipe, I liked the soft ball stage. You can use a candy thermometer for this if you are new to candy making-- I just winged it! You will have extra, and since it is syrup, it will keep for a long time if properly stored. Once cooled, I stored mine in a mason jar in the cabinet!


Glaze

-3 tbsp cocoa powder
-2 tbsp vegan margarine
- ~2 tbsp 'corn syrup' substitute more as needed!

Warm the vegan margarine and corn syrup. Combine together with cocoa powder. Add more 'corn syrup' as needed to get the consistency pourable, but not so thin it will all run off the fudge. You want it thick enough to stick to the fudge, but thin enough to pour on and spread all over.


Once the fudge is in the fridge is solid, remove from pan and flip over on a piece of parchment paper and remove the plastic. Transfer back into pan, paper side down so it keeps the pan lined, and drizzle/ spread the glaze over the top. Return to fridge for about any hour. Keep fudge in fridge, as it is super melty and will melt all over if left out!


I had all the ingredients here on hand, as should all aspiring vegan bakers! This fudge will surely impress all your dark chocolate loving, non-vegan friends and family!

Summer Squash and Harvest Grains Succotash-ish

I just got back from a roadtrip with my best friend. She sent me home with a bag full of fresh veggies from her mom's garden! I didn't really know what to do with the remaining eggplant and crookneck yellow squash, as Mulch isn't much of a fan. Yesterday, while making some vegan Panang Curry for dinner, it occurred to me; Succotash! I have never made Succotash before, and looked up recipes. They all sounded so... plain. And I was looking to make something that was a whole meal. Then, I came across two recipes that provided the answer. One used pasta, the other had veggie broth. We have a freezer full of amazing, flavorful, homemade veggie stock, and I have plenty of harvest grains in the pantry that need to be used! PERFECT!

Now, I didn't really measure this recipe. I just diced the squash I had and threw stuff in as it looked good. So, this recipe turned out HUGE. Plenty of leftovers! This is a rough recipe from memory, adjust proportions as needed for taste.

I HIGHLY suggest making your own veggie stock. We save all the ends of veggies, wilted or limp stuff that that didn't get used in time, stems and ends from herbs, etc. in a gallon bag kept in the freezer. Once we have two of those, they are thrown in a stock pot with a nice fresh bunch of parsley, some carrots, celery, and onion if there isn't much in the bag, some garlic, dried Italian herb variety (sage, basil, oregano, whatever you have on hand!), 8-10 whole peppercorns, and filled to the top with water. Bring to boil, simmer for about an hour, allow to cool, and strain. It is super easy and hassle free if you eat a good variety of veggies and have a nice rounded mix in the bags-- when you do this, all you add is some herbs and spices to the water and you are all set!

2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1 yellow onion, diced
~2 lbs summer squash (I used two baby eggplants and a couple crookneck yellow squashes. Use your favorites!)
~ 20ozs frozen shelled Edamame (soybeans)
~ 2-3 ears fire roasted corn, cut from cob (Peel the corn and stick on the grill for a few minutes each side. You want is a little black and blistery. I cheated and used frozen fire roasted!)
~ 3-4 bell peppers, variety of colors, sliced in 1cm strips (I used frozen bell peppers we had on hand)
8oz Israeli Cous Cous (Israeli is a larger grain cous cous, and I recommend it over the smaller grain kind)
8oz Quinoa
~3 tbsp sesame seeds (this was a happy mistake as I mistook them for Quinoa at first. It ended up a fantastic addition!)
4 cups veggie stock, unsalted if possible
a good handful of fresh or dried leaf Oregano, minced or crushed. I had some dried homegrown Oregano on hand!
salt and pepper to taste. I also added a bit of Trader Joe's 21 spice salute-- my secret ingredient in everything!

Get a nice big stir fry pan for this recipe. You can also use a large casserole dish that is safe for use on the burners. Add the olive oil and brown the onion on medium high heat for a couple minutes, until it starts to smell all tasty! Add the squash, cook another minute. Now, dump all the remaining ingredients in, stirring well to mix everything. Bring to a boil then reduce to a simmer and cover. Cook for about 20 minutes or until the grains are soft and cooked and all the liquid is gone. Stir occasionally to prevent sticking.



As this was cooking, my mind was filled with thoughts and fears of how bland and boring this would be, and how I could spruce it up with some flavor. It didn't need ANYTHING! I am one of those people who loves to over spice things. I love lots and lots of flavor. The strength of this dish is how wonderfully the subtle flavors of every veggie comes through, and the veggie stock provided the perfect amount of flavor that complemented everything in this dish. Spectacular! What a wonderful light, yet very filling lunch this was! The soybeans are much sweeter than the bitter lima beans in traditional Succotash, and provide tons of protein to make this a complete meal! All the bitterness of the squash is gone, and they became simply creamy and delicious! The harvest grains with a touch of sesame is slightly nutty and very filling.

Try this recipe! Super simple, almost everything can be found at a farmer's market or in your friend's garden :) The rest is all at Trader Joe's!

The Ingeminate Epiphany

I need to go back to school. There is more I need to study, and I was just hitting my stride when I graduated. I had just found the place I needed to be. I had lost just enough weight to have my life again, and be able to exercise and move around day day to day. Enough to hold a normal job. I had found the major that I loved, and the environment that I loved to be in. I was so, so happy looking at and exploring art, being constantly emerged in it. I was constantly inspired to spend long nights working on my own art.

I just... can't find it any more. I try to sit down and create, but nothing comes to me. Little joy comes of it. I don't have to inspiration to work on a project for hours and days. I get frustrated and lost easily. I am gaining back the weight I lost, and can't motivate myself to change it.

I visited UC Berkley a couple years ago. It was like, for the days I was there, I had found it again. I felt so alive wandering the gorgeous campus and the surrounding town. I remembered the creativity, and longed for it again.

I want to study art again. I need to study art again. I need to explore other people's ideas and creations, and I need to explore my own ideas and creations. I need that energy instead of this slow retrogression.

And I keep coming to this realization. But reality of my current life keeps pulling me back. I just keep trudging forward, day to day, waiting for an opportunity... of some kind.

I don't even know where to go to school. I suppose that is part of this vague 'opportunity' I am waiting for... I know what kind of art I enjoy. Set design would be great fun. But I wouldn't mind studying more sculpture work either.

My job also likes to transfer within the company to other properties... so I guess I am hoping I can work that angle to my advantage. But I have to get myself in a much better position first. And I am not getting younger, or healthier, while waiting...

*sigh*

Time to get ready for work. Back to the grind. And the waiting game. Hoping this afflatus doesn't fizzle in the process...