Focus

I haz none. I want to do everything, be everyone, see everything. I am constantly inspired, but never act. I make time to sit down and act on inspiration and find none. Ideas constantly swim through my head, loaded with a long path to follow to take my ideas anywhere.

I want to make music all of the sudden. Me, who is musically retarded (the technical term). I took lessons for guitar a few years ago, don't remember a lick of it. I have trouble keeping a beat. My boyfriend tried to teach me, failed miserably. But music constantly flows through my head, it just doesn't translate back out of my fingers. Practically every style interests me in some way. Lyrics are few and far between. I believe in using them only as necessary. Music is more powerful when the sounds invoke emotions, instead of being TOLD what you should feel. It is more universal to not have a language barrier. Plus, I suck at poetry :p

I have been working on a screenplay/ novel for a long time... almost 10 years. It isn't even a rough draft. It is mostly just notes of what I *want* my little universe to look like, feel like, how the politics and technology works, random quotes, scenes, etc. All I will say about this one is it is sci-fi, but not really weird 'out there' stuff. I am aiming for a very believable, plausible future. No aliens, no strange technology. Just us, as we are... but later. Same bullshit, more powerful technology, bigger and more insidious power vacuums. An exploration into depraved spirals humanity and individuals take, the small and large signs of hope and humanity left, the everyday subliminal balance, delves into the depths of insanity amongst the chaos and uncertainty. Oh, and guns, actions, and awesome costumes and styles and eyecandy that I adore :D The subtext is thick as molasses in this piece. It is about me in many, many ways. My own head, how many different directions I am always in, and basically what this post is about... but dramatized and in the future :p It is like the 101 hats of kita...IN SPACE! It has a long way, and it is like my big, huge piece that I expect to spend another 10+ years on before I even get a rough draft I am happy with.

I also am bouncing around a TV show idea. It also is in the conceptualization stages, just random scenes and episode ideas, quotes, personalities, etc. This one would be the first one I would be able to get off between the two writing projects. It is broad enough to be able to have a writing staff help me with episodes and keep enough pumping out to produce regular episodes and seasons. I just need to get down the key 'main storyline' episodes that would drive the story forward. Once I get a main story and characters down, getting the rest of the show together is just a matter of finding someone to pick it up. It is a great show idea, appeals to a wide audience and the target demographic, is mostly comedy but with some RL drama and sad stuff mixed in. It is about everyday joes in settings that are decidedly less so... but still just 'life is funny like that'. I don't want to give my idea away, so I am being vague :p But this one is awesome!! I know comparing it to two wildly popular shows is just egotistical and ridiculous of me, but it is the closest hint I can give... my main inspirations are 'Scrubs' and 'That 70's Show'. There are particular things from both that are strong elements in this show... and I am trying to make it a gut buster like those two as well :p

Writing... in general. Like this blog. Yah. :|

I want to get into politics... because I have this naive idea that I can fix it all. Because I want to fix it all. I hate to see people suffer and fight, and to see the bullies get away with shit in front of our faces. I hate feeling helpless and so disconnected from my country, politicians, their decisions... They know SO LITTLE outside of how to play the game, they don't take the time to LEARN about the people and issues they are representing, or to LISTEN to those who know better! Because the money always has their ear first and foremost. And that KILLS me. Whether the politician is corrupt or not, the MONEY always gets their vote one way or another, whether through direct bribes and influence, or controlling the information trickled through to them. I have been a 'Non-Partisan' since I registered to vote. I won't be changing it in the foreseeable future. Y'all are being represented by idiots. And you are only part of the problem if you think *this* time, *your* candidate will be different than every OTHER disappointment from your party, or the other person's party. Which flavor of otter pop do you want, red or blue? Because the ingredients are identical, they just have different food colors in it. How about you try an apple for desert for once... because I can promise you the otter pop will always taste the same, and continue to give you the same result; a dyed tongue and a fat ass while leaving you feeling unsatisfied. But it is the one you have ALWAYS chosen, so why change? *sigh* I am tangenting and getting myself upset spinning my wheels on this one. I won't ever go anywhere with this, as much as I REALLY want to for the fact I am NOT a politician. I don't have vested interests. I vote with my brain, not my wallet, friend's best interest, or family tradition. I make a point to have far and wide interests in order to spread my spectrum of knowledge as far and wide as possible. It also gives me limitless ability to LEARN, GROW, and, most importantly, UNDERSTAND the information given to me.

I want to travel. A lot. I want to see EVERYTHING. I want to see ruins, forests, towns, cities, plays, concerts, EVERYTHING! I have left this timezone once when I was 14, and another time as I wandered around half the country for a month. That's it. You can see how well THAT is going...

Art... oh gawd where to begin with that! Paintings, in all levels of progression, from conceptual to needing a few final fixes. Undrawn LG comics. Helmet sculptures I want to make. General sculptures I have the parts for but don't know I want to make yet... *cough*

Sewing projects. I began curtains for blacking out our windows. Those WILL get finished by summer, because I will hate life if I don't :p Beyond that, I have some absolutely LUXURIOUS fabrics I bought 5+ years ago for some patterns I bought at the same time... and never made. I am too scared of messing up the nice stuff. My skills are teh suck, as is my machine. The curtains look like shit with all the snagged stitches where it bunched up etc. It is... an *antique*...

A garden... though I have started on that! I have grand ideas for it. I know they will all be forgotten as soon as I mess up the basics and get only two tomatoes for the season from my 8 tomato plants...

Video games, some that have been unopened for 5 years, waiting for me to sit still long enough to play them (or save up enough to buy a new PS2 to replace the one that shit out... >.<) Actually, I am not buying a PS2 on principle. Because I WANT a PS3, but NOT if it doesn't play PSone and PS2 games. What a crock of shit! *gives the finger to Sony* Ya, I haven't bought any of your fucking games since you jackasses did that. And I won't until you reintroduce backwards compatibility. Fuck you very much. I have been happily feeding my gaming budget to Blizzard, Nintendo, Valve, and smaller computer game companies. Suck it. When you guys crash and burn, I will be STILL ALIVE, playing games, laughing at your dumb asses for alienating your base for a few fickle casual gamers that are jumping off the Sony ship en masse. My favorite game companies and franchises will find new game company homes, so I am not at all worried, nor will I miss you. </3

Techie stuff. Began to learn how to code apps for android, got distracted and wandered away. Typical. I want to learn how to run servers and master linux. But I get distracted and wander away before I get far... Various editing tools on my computer I want to learn how to use. I know my way around photoshop well enough, I could be better. I need to learn vector. I have some 3D rendering stuff I want to learn. I have video and audio editors I want to learn. Etc, etc.

Cooking. There is a mile long list of recipes I want to try, I want to blog far more about cooking and get a cookbook going. I want to learn more advanced things, get better at baking (ESPECIALLY bread!!), etc. etc.

I know I forgot some, I will trip over some more on my way to bed. I can't look anywhere around where I live without seeing unfinished projects... it is horribly disheartening and frankly crippling. I don't have energy, I just feel sapped of motivation to work on them. So I waste my days... waiting... for something to change... maybe for myself to change... I don't know :/ Sometimes I wish I had someone who was super motivated around me to drag me along with them to experience life and rub some of their motivation off on me. Cause I wouldn't say no :)

Lolwut

I am attempting to make a post using the voice recognition is my second attempt is the first time for some reason didn't type anything I guess I wasn't talking or something.

Wow that was amazingly accurate I guess it they have gotten a little bit better with sucks um anyways I find using the of voice recognition a lot easier than actually typing these posts I'm a specially with the boat which is what I am on right now I'll be asleep on a long time is the texas exestential ramblings Kirk well I am driving um I don't have the mad skills like some people out there who can totally text while I drive.

Yeah I guess that last batch wasnt quite as accurate as the first 1. That pretty much answers my question about the accuracy of this. I may have some post using this method Or just leaving east coast as is for the long.

Lol, ya. Not as accurate as I would like. It has gotten better than when I first got this phone, however. The lack of punctuation is pretty funny too... much more accurate to the stream of consciousness that would be pouring out of my head for these posts. As I was trying to say at the end, I may make some more voice posts and leave them as is for the luls.  They also may make more sense than my original stream did :p

Emotional manipulation

I share inner, personal feelings with no one in particular when I post online. Just the satisfaction of knowing it was read is usually enough for me. I get it off my chest, and I feel better.

There are various reasons why using it against me does nothing to me, but instead reveals your true character. First, what I say to myself in my depression, 9 times out of 10, is far, far worse, uglier, and more honest than ANYTHING you could EVER say to me. I have most likely already told myself whatever insult you have for me, and I already know my personal flaws well enough that I won't hear anything I didn't already know.

Second, you are the internet. Nameless, faceless. Sometimes, certain names get personalities attached to them and I even fool myself into considering people in the same regard as I would a cool classmate or coworker I know in real life. But, here is the thing. You never got as close to me as you think you did. I hold very, very few people close enough that they can hurt me badly. I have been burned far worse by RL friends than 'internet friends'. My boyfriend, my RL best friend, my family. They are the only ones that can touch me on that level. I let them into my heart on a personal, deep level. It is one that can hurt me for a very long time. Internet people are flesh wounds. Scratch me, I whirl around and smack you. The scratch heals, I am over it.

My only mistake was letting you close enough to scratch me in the first place. I take my licks for that one. I took a chance. Sometimes, I get gentle caresses and hugs. Those are worth the risk I take, which is why my ways won't be changed by your slight.

Trying to use the personal things I posted against me for some petty, stupid misunderstanding is pathetic. It only shows how ugly you really are inside, and who is worth keeping in contact with.

And that is all I have to say about that.


/archived for future reference

Fail creamy chicken bread pudding

So, my recent tinkering with bread has resulted in some... less desirable results.



....



Ok, they were actually utter failures. Dense, dry bricks of utter fail.



Always the thrify and enterprising one, I can never waste perfectly good food! I mean, it is fully cooked and not rotten. If just doesn't exactly have the desired... bread qualities. So, bread pudding it is!

Last time I made a typical sweet bread pudding, nothing special, it was very basic. The best part was where I used leftover Dulce De Leche mixed with bourbon and milk for the topping. Mmmm :)

This time, I wanted to try something succulent to use up the leftover chicken from the rotisserie I made the other night. I began with a basic recipe for artichoke bread pudding. Digging to the back of the cabinet, I discovered only one lonely can. Canned artichoke isn't cheap! Plus, there is a vegan recipe that calls for artichoke I have been saving it for. There was, however, plenty of canned mushrooms. The main veggies I had already established based on the staples we always have around the house-- onion and celery. Leftover cheese from the pizza the night before, plus leftover white sauce from the pizza. A rough estimate of what was thrown in is as follows;



1 loaf of FAIL bread (or, perfectly acceptable yet stale bread, of whatever type you choose), cubed

2 cups milk

3 eggs

1 cup cooked chicken

1 medium sweet or red onion, diced

1/2 + 1/2 cup of defrosted and drained frozen bell peppers

1 small can of mushrooms

2 stalks of celery, diced

1/2 cup of white sauce, like alfredo, or 1/2 can of condensed cream of chicken/ mushroom/ celery soup

1-11/2 cups shredded italian cheese blend (I mixed mozzarella, asiago, and Parmesan)

olive oil

fresh ground black pepper

1+1 tsp Spike (red label)

3 tsp italian seasoning blend

1+2 tsp Trader Joe's 21 seasoning salute



Soak the bread in the milk for at least 30 minutes, or until the bread is soft and most liquid has been absorbed. Push down the bread to extract about 1/2 cup of the milk. Whisk the eggs with the extracted milk, 1 tsp spike, 1 tsp 21 salute, and pepper to taste. Using 1/2 tbsp of olive oil, grease a 13x9 casserole dish, making sure to get the sides too. Cover the bottom of the pan with enough bread to to cover the entire bottom, or a bit more than half of the bread. Evenly layer on the chicken and 3/4 of the onion, then pour the sauce or soup on top and spread evenly. Evenly layer on the celery, mushroom, and bell pepper. Top with black pepper to taste, 1 tsp red label Spike, 3 tsp Italian seasoning, and 2 tsp 21 salute. Sprinkle with half of the cheese, or enough to evenly cover everything. Evenly spread remaining bread on top. Evenly sprinkle the remaining onion and bell pepper on top. Pour the egg mixture over the entire thing, pouring slowly to ensure it is evenly spread. Grind some more black pepper on top. Evenly drizzle with a bit of olive oil. Evenly sprinkle remaining cheese on top. Refrigerate overnight. Preheat oven and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes- 1 hour, or until sides are crispy and top is golden brown. If the top is browning faster than the sides, cover with foil.

Perfect Vegan Whole Wheat Millet Bread

3 1/2 tsp dry yeast
1/4- 1/3 cup sugar (adjust to your taste)
1 1/2 cups soy milk (108 to 115 degrees)
1/2 tsp. salt
3 tbsp melted vegan margarine
2-3 tbsp vegetable oil
3 cups whole wheat pastry flour
1/2-1 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup millet
water as needed to thin dough

Dissolve yeast and 1 teaspoon sugar in 1/2 cup warm soy milk. Let stand 5 minutes. Combine 1/3 cup sugar, salt, butter, oil, and 1 cup warmed soy milk with the yeast. Add pastry flour, beating at medium speed with mixer until well-blended and smooth. Fold in millet.

Gradually stir in enough whole wheat flour to make soft dough. Place in well- greased bowl turning to grease top. Cover and let rise 1 to 1 1/2 hours until doubled in bulk. Punch down, turn dough onto well-floured surface and knead several times. Cover and let rise until doubled in bulk. Bake at 325 degrees for 20 to 25 minutes or until golden brown.

Sweet, soft, yeasty tasting. The whole wheat adds a complexity and heartiness! For white rolls, sub the whole wheat flour for pastry flour and exclude the millet.

Fresh Fig and Bellavitano Tart with Caramelized Cherry Merlot Reduction

A.k.a., stinky cheese fig pizza :p (this is how I presented it to the boyfriend)

Anywho, I was in Trader Joe's yesterday and came across fresh figs! $3.50 for a 1 lb box! I knew I must haz nao. But, with no recipe in mind, I searched all night for the right recipe to do them justice. We are on a really tight budget right now, so I also knew that whatever I made I could not buy any other ingredients for. The figs were the splurge, and now I need to use them! The last time I brought them home (probably around this time last year, actually) the boyfriend picked up some goat cheese, and he stuffed the figs with the goat cheese and walnuts and wrapped them with bacon. When I looked up recipes, half of them had prosciutto in them! We are *trying* to eat vegan and vegetarian, and I know that pork can't be the end all magical ingredient with fresh figs!

I found a number of recipes I liked, and it came down to deciding between doing a dinner or desert. I remembered I had my loaf of fail multigrain bread in the fridge, which is now old, stale, and super dense (the fail part). So, bread pudding seems to be in order! I decided between two recipes with that as well, a savory one or a sweet one. When I explained the options to the boyfriend, his eyes glazed over until I got the the part of the can of dolce de leche that has been languishing in the fridge for over a year. He lit up like a puppy being asked if it wants a cookie, and I then knew what the answer was :p

So, to contrast the sweet desert, a savory fig dinner was in order! I pretty much winged the recipe using all sorts of stuff I have taught myself in the past year, as well as inspiration in terms of what kind of stuff to mix with the figs from the common ingredients I found in recipes for fresh figs. Everything in this recipe, except the fresh figs, were random things hanging out in the pantry and fridge. Also, measurements are approximate for a lot of this, especially the cream sauce. I winged it!

Tart crust:
1 cup whole wheat pastry flour
1 tsp baking powder
dash of salt (to taste)
1 egg yolk
2 1/2 tbsp softened butter
2 tbsp turbinado or other large grain sugar
2 tsp fennel seeds
(reserve egg white for brushing later)

Whip butter until creamy. Whip in yolk until creamy. Sift in the flour, baking powder, and salt. Mix well, the mixture should be crumbly. Fold in the sugar and fennel seeds. Shape into a disk, wrap in plastic wrap, and allow to chill in fridge at least 1 hour.


Caramelized Cherry Merlot Reduction:
4 tbsp brown sugar
1/4 cup cherry juice
1/4 cup merlot

Place a small, non stick saucepan over medium low heat. Add the brown sugar, and watch closely. As it begins to melt, stir the sugar around to prevent burning. When it is all melted, allow to caramelize for just a few seconds, then add the cherry juice. Stir until the hardened caramel completely dissolves, allow to cook down for 2-3 minutes until syrupy but NOT burnt. Watch it close! Once it has reduced to half, add the merlot and cook down for around 5 minutes, stirring often. When the bubble begin to get foamy, you know you are close. Stir vigorously and pay close attention to the consistency and smell. If you smell burning, it is usually already too late and you need to start over. You want the reduction to be syrupy, and you should get about 1/3 of a cup of reduction from this recipe.


Shallot Garlic Bellavitano Cream Sauce
2-3 shallots, minced
2-3 cloves of garlic, minced
1 tbsp minced fresh basil
1 tbsp minced fresh italian parsley
1 1/2 tbsp butter
1 1/2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
3 tbsp whole wheat pastry flour
1/4 lb Bellavitano Raspberry cheese (or your favorite stinky cheese!)
1 cup whole milk (we dont keep milk on hand, so I used 1/3 cup dry milk mix and 1 cup of water)
salt, to taste (I like to use Spike instead of salt)
fresh black pepper, to taste
1/4 cup white wine

Heat the butter and olive oil over medium low heat. Saute the shallots and garlic in oil until they just start to get some color (about 1 minute). Add the flour, the mix should be a paste. Stir often, cook for 3 minutes or so, until the flour is golden brown and the mixture takes on a buttery popcorn scent. Be careful not to burn! Add the milk, stir well until the flour paste (it is a rue) is dissolved in the milk. Cook about 3 minutes, or until the mixture begins to foam. Add the cheese, and more water if the sauce if too thick. Cook until cheese is melted and mixture begins to foam again. Add salt, pepper, basil, and parsley, cook another minute. Reduce heat slightly, add the wine. Allow to cook down until a thick, creamy sauce forms. If it is taking a long tome to reduce, add some corn starch or arrowroot to thicken it up. This recipe makes more than needed for the tart, so you'll have extra sauce for pasta or pizza!


Tart fixin's
1/2 lbs fresh figs
2 oz Bellavitano Raspberry cheese, shredded
2 tbsp fresh italian parsley
1 large sweet onion, caramelized (saute slow and low with 3-4 tbsp of butter until brown and soft)
1/4 cup sliced almonds
egg whites for brushing

Preheat oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Roll out your tart dough on a floured surface. Lay into a greased pie dish, ensuring there is enough dough to go up the sides (you will be folding these sides down over the tart in the final step). Brush the dough with egg whites. Add about 1/2 cup of the cream sauce (you want enough to cover the bottom generously, but not so much it will make it soggy). Sprinkle the parsley and cheese on top of the sauce. Sprinkle the almonds next. Layer a generous amount of the onions. Slice the figs in thirds, lengthwise, and arrange on top with the seeded center facing up. Fold the sides of the crust over the tart and brush with egg whites. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until the tart crust is golden brown. Allow to cool, then drizzle the reduction on top. NOM. NOM I SAY!

Vegan Cinnamon Rolls with Cream Cheese icing

Modified from the recipe here.

Now, something about lifelong vegans, or those who have been doing it for a while, is they have developed a taste for tofutti products. I can't stand them. The texture is great, but the aftertaste is unbearable and very prominent. Usually, if a recipe calls for tofutti, I either sub it out through extra soy milk and thickener, don't use it at all, or say 'fuck it' to making the dish vegan and use real cream cheese instead. I seriously cannot stand the stuff.

I was determined to make it work in this recipe. Besides, I figured that if I couldn't make it work, I would toss the cream cheese icing and make a plain white one instead!

I am very happy to report that I was able to reduce the nasty aftertaste so significantly, if no one told me it wasn't tofutti, I never would have known (though it still isn't *quite* as good as Philadelphia cream cheese-- it tastes like it might have been made with a cheap store brand, which never tastes quite right either)

Now, here is the trick. Pay attention in case you need to adjust! I didn't measure too well as I messed with it, so the measurements for the icing are very approximate. The three key things that get rid of the aftertaste are the salt, the extracts, and the lemon juice. Be VERY careful with the almond extract, as it is very strong-- stronger than the vanilla-- and a tiny bit goes a long way. Add the amount in the recipe first, then add more at a rate of 2 drops at a time. Go really easy. Add more vanilla at about 1/4 tsp at a time, starting with the amount called for in the recipe. Add more lemon juice at a rate of about 1 tsp at a time, starting with the amount called for. Add the salt just a couple dashes at a time. You will find the icing will take quite a bit without tasting salty, but still be careful! Over-salting anything will ruin the entire batch.

2 1/2 cups flour
2 Tbsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp allspice
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
1/4 cup cane sugar
1 cup soy milk
1/2 cup water
1 Tbsp vegetable oil
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
Fold in:
2 Tbsp Ener-G Egg Replacer

Sweet Cinna-Nut Swirl
1 cup chopped walnuts
1 Tbsp cinnamon (or pumpkin pie spice)
1/2 cup vegan butter - melted
1/2 cup maple syrup
dash of cayenne (less than 1/4 tsp)

Vegan Cream Cheese Icing

6 ounces tofu cream cheese
1/3 cup vegan butter – softened
1/4 cup vegetable oil or vegan shortening
1/3 cup vegan sour cream
2 cups powdered sugar, sifted
2 Tbsp soy milk or soy creamer
2 tsp real vanilla extract
1 tsp real almond extract
3 Tbsp corn starch
2 Tbsp dark grade agave syrup
2 Tbsp dark brown sugar
2 Tbsp lemon juice (to taste)
pinch of salt (or to taste)

Directions: 

Preheat oven to 350, grease one 8" or 9" round cake or square cake pan (be sure it is a deep pan, at least 3" deep!).

Sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and spices. In a separate bowl, whisk together both sugars, soy milk, water, vegetable oil, vanilla, and vinegar. Fold the wet ingredients in with the dry. Fold in the egg replacer. 

Make the cinna-nut swirl by mixing all the ingredients together in a separate bowl.


Pour batter into cake tin. Swirl equal amounts of the cinna-swirl mix into the batter. Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes - or until edges start to lightly brown.

Make the icing while the cinnamon rolls bake. Whisk all the ingredients together, adding the powdered sugar last, and very slowly.  Adjust the lemon juice, extracts, and salt as needed to get rid of the tofutti aftertaste. 


Allow cinnamon rolls to cool, slice like a cake, and drizzle the icing on top.


Makes 6 big rolls, or 8 more reasonable sized ones.