Lolwut

I am attempting to make a post using the voice recognition is my second attempt is the first time for some reason didn't type anything I guess I wasn't talking or something.

Wow that was amazingly accurate I guess it they have gotten a little bit better with sucks um anyways I find using the of voice recognition a lot easier than actually typing these posts I'm a specially with the boat which is what I am on right now I'll be asleep on a long time is the texas exestential ramblings Kirk well I am driving um I don't have the mad skills like some people out there who can totally text while I drive.

Yeah I guess that last batch wasnt quite as accurate as the first 1. That pretty much answers my question about the accuracy of this. I may have some post using this method Or just leaving east coast as is for the long.

Lol, ya. Not as accurate as I would like. It has gotten better than when I first got this phone, however. The lack of punctuation is pretty funny too... much more accurate to the stream of consciousness that would be pouring out of my head for these posts. As I was trying to say at the end, I may make some more voice posts and leave them as is for the luls.  They also may make more sense than my original stream did :p

Emotional manipulation

I share inner, personal feelings with no one in particular when I post online. Just the satisfaction of knowing it was read is usually enough for me. I get it off my chest, and I feel better.

There are various reasons why using it against me does nothing to me, but instead reveals your true character. First, what I say to myself in my depression, 9 times out of 10, is far, far worse, uglier, and more honest than ANYTHING you could EVER say to me. I have most likely already told myself whatever insult you have for me, and I already know my personal flaws well enough that I won't hear anything I didn't already know.

Second, you are the internet. Nameless, faceless. Sometimes, certain names get personalities attached to them and I even fool myself into considering people in the same regard as I would a cool classmate or coworker I know in real life. But, here is the thing. You never got as close to me as you think you did. I hold very, very few people close enough that they can hurt me badly. I have been burned far worse by RL friends than 'internet friends'. My boyfriend, my RL best friend, my family. They are the only ones that can touch me on that level. I let them into my heart on a personal, deep level. It is one that can hurt me for a very long time. Internet people are flesh wounds. Scratch me, I whirl around and smack you. The scratch heals, I am over it.

My only mistake was letting you close enough to scratch me in the first place. I take my licks for that one. I took a chance. Sometimes, I get gentle caresses and hugs. Those are worth the risk I take, which is why my ways won't be changed by your slight.

Trying to use the personal things I posted against me for some petty, stupid misunderstanding is pathetic. It only shows how ugly you really are inside, and who is worth keeping in contact with.

And that is all I have to say about that.


/archived for future reference

Fail creamy chicken bread pudding

So, my recent tinkering with bread has resulted in some... less desirable results.



....



Ok, they were actually utter failures. Dense, dry bricks of utter fail.



Always the thrify and enterprising one, I can never waste perfectly good food! I mean, it is fully cooked and not rotten. If just doesn't exactly have the desired... bread qualities. So, bread pudding it is!

Last time I made a typical sweet bread pudding, nothing special, it was very basic. The best part was where I used leftover Dulce De Leche mixed with bourbon and milk for the topping. Mmmm :)

This time, I wanted to try something succulent to use up the leftover chicken from the rotisserie I made the other night. I began with a basic recipe for artichoke bread pudding. Digging to the back of the cabinet, I discovered only one lonely can. Canned artichoke isn't cheap! Plus, there is a vegan recipe that calls for artichoke I have been saving it for. There was, however, plenty of canned mushrooms. The main veggies I had already established based on the staples we always have around the house-- onion and celery. Leftover cheese from the pizza the night before, plus leftover white sauce from the pizza. A rough estimate of what was thrown in is as follows;



1 loaf of FAIL bread (or, perfectly acceptable yet stale bread, of whatever type you choose), cubed

2 cups milk

3 eggs

1 cup cooked chicken

1 medium sweet or red onion, diced

1/2 + 1/2 cup of defrosted and drained frozen bell peppers

1 small can of mushrooms

2 stalks of celery, diced

1/2 cup of white sauce, like alfredo, or 1/2 can of condensed cream of chicken/ mushroom/ celery soup

1-11/2 cups shredded italian cheese blend (I mixed mozzarella, asiago, and Parmesan)

olive oil

fresh ground black pepper

1+1 tsp Spike (red label)

3 tsp italian seasoning blend

1+2 tsp Trader Joe's 21 seasoning salute



Soak the bread in the milk for at least 30 minutes, or until the bread is soft and most liquid has been absorbed. Push down the bread to extract about 1/2 cup of the milk. Whisk the eggs with the extracted milk, 1 tsp spike, 1 tsp 21 salute, and pepper to taste. Using 1/2 tbsp of olive oil, grease a 13x9 casserole dish, making sure to get the sides too. Cover the bottom of the pan with enough bread to to cover the entire bottom, or a bit more than half of the bread. Evenly layer on the chicken and 3/4 of the onion, then pour the sauce or soup on top and spread evenly. Evenly layer on the celery, mushroom, and bell pepper. Top with black pepper to taste, 1 tsp red label Spike, 3 tsp Italian seasoning, and 2 tsp 21 salute. Sprinkle with half of the cheese, or enough to evenly cover everything. Evenly spread remaining bread on top. Evenly sprinkle the remaining onion and bell pepper on top. Pour the egg mixture over the entire thing, pouring slowly to ensure it is evenly spread. Grind some more black pepper on top. Evenly drizzle with a bit of olive oil. Evenly sprinkle remaining cheese on top. Refrigerate overnight. Preheat oven and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes- 1 hour, or until sides are crispy and top is golden brown. If the top is browning faster than the sides, cover with foil.

Perfect Vegan Whole Wheat Millet Bread

3 1/2 tsp dry yeast
1/4- 1/3 cup sugar (adjust to your taste)
1 1/2 cups soy milk (108 to 115 degrees)
1/2 tsp. salt
3 tbsp melted vegan margarine
2-3 tbsp vegetable oil
3 cups whole wheat pastry flour
1/2-1 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup millet
water as needed to thin dough

Dissolve yeast and 1 teaspoon sugar in 1/2 cup warm soy milk. Let stand 5 minutes. Combine 1/3 cup sugar, salt, butter, oil, and 1 cup warmed soy milk with the yeast. Add pastry flour, beating at medium speed with mixer until well-blended and smooth. Fold in millet.

Gradually stir in enough whole wheat flour to make soft dough. Place in well- greased bowl turning to grease top. Cover and let rise 1 to 1 1/2 hours until doubled in bulk. Punch down, turn dough onto well-floured surface and knead several times. Cover and let rise until doubled in bulk. Bake at 325 degrees for 20 to 25 minutes or until golden brown.

Sweet, soft, yeasty tasting. The whole wheat adds a complexity and heartiness! For white rolls, sub the whole wheat flour for pastry flour and exclude the millet.

Fresh Fig and Bellavitano Tart with Caramelized Cherry Merlot Reduction

A.k.a., stinky cheese fig pizza :p (this is how I presented it to the boyfriend)

Anywho, I was in Trader Joe's yesterday and came across fresh figs! $3.50 for a 1 lb box! I knew I must haz nao. But, with no recipe in mind, I searched all night for the right recipe to do them justice. We are on a really tight budget right now, so I also knew that whatever I made I could not buy any other ingredients for. The figs were the splurge, and now I need to use them! The last time I brought them home (probably around this time last year, actually) the boyfriend picked up some goat cheese, and he stuffed the figs with the goat cheese and walnuts and wrapped them with bacon. When I looked up recipes, half of them had prosciutto in them! We are *trying* to eat vegan and vegetarian, and I know that pork can't be the end all magical ingredient with fresh figs!

I found a number of recipes I liked, and it came down to deciding between doing a dinner or desert. I remembered I had my loaf of fail multigrain bread in the fridge, which is now old, stale, and super dense (the fail part). So, bread pudding seems to be in order! I decided between two recipes with that as well, a savory one or a sweet one. When I explained the options to the boyfriend, his eyes glazed over until I got the the part of the can of dolce de leche that has been languishing in the fridge for over a year. He lit up like a puppy being asked if it wants a cookie, and I then knew what the answer was :p

So, to contrast the sweet desert, a savory fig dinner was in order! I pretty much winged the recipe using all sorts of stuff I have taught myself in the past year, as well as inspiration in terms of what kind of stuff to mix with the figs from the common ingredients I found in recipes for fresh figs. Everything in this recipe, except the fresh figs, were random things hanging out in the pantry and fridge. Also, measurements are approximate for a lot of this, especially the cream sauce. I winged it!

Tart crust:
1 cup whole wheat pastry flour
1 tsp baking powder
dash of salt (to taste)
1 egg yolk
2 1/2 tbsp softened butter
2 tbsp turbinado or other large grain sugar
2 tsp fennel seeds
(reserve egg white for brushing later)

Whip butter until creamy. Whip in yolk until creamy. Sift in the flour, baking powder, and salt. Mix well, the mixture should be crumbly. Fold in the sugar and fennel seeds. Shape into a disk, wrap in plastic wrap, and allow to chill in fridge at least 1 hour.


Caramelized Cherry Merlot Reduction:
4 tbsp brown sugar
1/4 cup cherry juice
1/4 cup merlot

Place a small, non stick saucepan over medium low heat. Add the brown sugar, and watch closely. As it begins to melt, stir the sugar around to prevent burning. When it is all melted, allow to caramelize for just a few seconds, then add the cherry juice. Stir until the hardened caramel completely dissolves, allow to cook down for 2-3 minutes until syrupy but NOT burnt. Watch it close! Once it has reduced to half, add the merlot and cook down for around 5 minutes, stirring often. When the bubble begin to get foamy, you know you are close. Stir vigorously and pay close attention to the consistency and smell. If you smell burning, it is usually already too late and you need to start over. You want the reduction to be syrupy, and you should get about 1/3 of a cup of reduction from this recipe.


Shallot Garlic Bellavitano Cream Sauce
2-3 shallots, minced
2-3 cloves of garlic, minced
1 tbsp minced fresh basil
1 tbsp minced fresh italian parsley
1 1/2 tbsp butter
1 1/2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
3 tbsp whole wheat pastry flour
1/4 lb Bellavitano Raspberry cheese (or your favorite stinky cheese!)
1 cup whole milk (we dont keep milk on hand, so I used 1/3 cup dry milk mix and 1 cup of water)
salt, to taste (I like to use Spike instead of salt)
fresh black pepper, to taste
1/4 cup white wine

Heat the butter and olive oil over medium low heat. Saute the shallots and garlic in oil until they just start to get some color (about 1 minute). Add the flour, the mix should be a paste. Stir often, cook for 3 minutes or so, until the flour is golden brown and the mixture takes on a buttery popcorn scent. Be careful not to burn! Add the milk, stir well until the flour paste (it is a rue) is dissolved in the milk. Cook about 3 minutes, or until the mixture begins to foam. Add the cheese, and more water if the sauce if too thick. Cook until cheese is melted and mixture begins to foam again. Add salt, pepper, basil, and parsley, cook another minute. Reduce heat slightly, add the wine. Allow to cook down until a thick, creamy sauce forms. If it is taking a long tome to reduce, add some corn starch or arrowroot to thicken it up. This recipe makes more than needed for the tart, so you'll have extra sauce for pasta or pizza!


Tart fixin's
1/2 lbs fresh figs
2 oz Bellavitano Raspberry cheese, shredded
2 tbsp fresh italian parsley
1 large sweet onion, caramelized (saute slow and low with 3-4 tbsp of butter until brown and soft)
1/4 cup sliced almonds
egg whites for brushing

Preheat oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Roll out your tart dough on a floured surface. Lay into a greased pie dish, ensuring there is enough dough to go up the sides (you will be folding these sides down over the tart in the final step). Brush the dough with egg whites. Add about 1/2 cup of the cream sauce (you want enough to cover the bottom generously, but not so much it will make it soggy). Sprinkle the parsley and cheese on top of the sauce. Sprinkle the almonds next. Layer a generous amount of the onions. Slice the figs in thirds, lengthwise, and arrange on top with the seeded center facing up. Fold the sides of the crust over the tart and brush with egg whites. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until the tart crust is golden brown. Allow to cool, then drizzle the reduction on top. NOM. NOM I SAY!

Vegan Cinnamon Rolls with Cream Cheese icing

Modified from the recipe here.

Now, something about lifelong vegans, or those who have been doing it for a while, is they have developed a taste for tofutti products. I can't stand them. The texture is great, but the aftertaste is unbearable and very prominent. Usually, if a recipe calls for tofutti, I either sub it out through extra soy milk and thickener, don't use it at all, or say 'fuck it' to making the dish vegan and use real cream cheese instead. I seriously cannot stand the stuff.

I was determined to make it work in this recipe. Besides, I figured that if I couldn't make it work, I would toss the cream cheese icing and make a plain white one instead!

I am very happy to report that I was able to reduce the nasty aftertaste so significantly, if no one told me it wasn't tofutti, I never would have known (though it still isn't *quite* as good as Philadelphia cream cheese-- it tastes like it might have been made with a cheap store brand, which never tastes quite right either)

Now, here is the trick. Pay attention in case you need to adjust! I didn't measure too well as I messed with it, so the measurements for the icing are very approximate. The three key things that get rid of the aftertaste are the salt, the extracts, and the lemon juice. Be VERY careful with the almond extract, as it is very strong-- stronger than the vanilla-- and a tiny bit goes a long way. Add the amount in the recipe first, then add more at a rate of 2 drops at a time. Go really easy. Add more vanilla at about 1/4 tsp at a time, starting with the amount called for in the recipe. Add more lemon juice at a rate of about 1 tsp at a time, starting with the amount called for. Add the salt just a couple dashes at a time. You will find the icing will take quite a bit without tasting salty, but still be careful! Over-salting anything will ruin the entire batch.

2 1/2 cups flour
2 Tbsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp allspice
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
1/4 cup cane sugar
1 cup soy milk
1/2 cup water
1 Tbsp vegetable oil
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
Fold in:
2 Tbsp Ener-G Egg Replacer

Sweet Cinna-Nut Swirl
1 cup chopped walnuts
1 Tbsp cinnamon (or pumpkin pie spice)
1/2 cup vegan butter - melted
1/2 cup maple syrup
dash of cayenne (less than 1/4 tsp)

Vegan Cream Cheese Icing

6 ounces tofu cream cheese
1/3 cup vegan butter – softened
1/4 cup vegetable oil or vegan shortening
1/3 cup vegan sour cream
2 cups powdered sugar, sifted
2 Tbsp soy milk or soy creamer
2 tsp real vanilla extract
1 tsp real almond extract
3 Tbsp corn starch
2 Tbsp dark grade agave syrup
2 Tbsp dark brown sugar
2 Tbsp lemon juice (to taste)
pinch of salt (or to taste)

Directions: 

Preheat oven to 350, grease one 8" or 9" round cake or square cake pan (be sure it is a deep pan, at least 3" deep!).

Sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and spices. In a separate bowl, whisk together both sugars, soy milk, water, vegetable oil, vanilla, and vinegar. Fold the wet ingredients in with the dry. Fold in the egg replacer. 

Make the cinna-nut swirl by mixing all the ingredients together in a separate bowl.


Pour batter into cake tin. Swirl equal amounts of the cinna-swirl mix into the batter. Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes - or until edges start to lightly brown.

Make the icing while the cinnamon rolls bake. Whisk all the ingredients together, adding the powdered sugar last, and very slowly.  Adjust the lemon juice, extracts, and salt as needed to get rid of the tofutti aftertaste. 


Allow cinnamon rolls to cool, slice like a cake, and drizzle the icing on top.


Makes 6 big rolls, or 8 more reasonable sized ones.

Explosion

of the demons in my head. Normally, they dance around, poking me, pulling my hair and ears. I eat, and in those moments, they scatter. When they return, they return with a vengeance, mocking me for my weakness. Sometimes, I can concentrate really hard on a project, and I can ignore them. If my mind is distracted, they have trouble breaking through. When I am left to them, however, there is no mercy. They never let up, replaying things I did wrong in my childhood over and over again, something wrong I said last week, or forgot to do, or wish I said or did. The list goes on and on. Anything, everything, constantly, never letting things go.

Why can't I remember happy things, good things? My demons don't care for these, only misery. Every moment left to myself, when I am not eating, they are attacking me. I muster up strength, positive thinking, and they swoop in, crushing the positive feelings until there is not a trace left. Not even enough to write in a blog post, or to translate to art or writing. All that is left is me, shaking in a corner, no idea what to do with myself, waiting for them to go away so I can have a life.

I feel so broken. Lost. I can't do anything worthwhile, no skills. Just another warm body taking up space. I die, no one blinks, no one notices. Momentary sadness from immediate family. I have left nothing of importance in my wake.

To me, this is unacceptable. I feel that I should have accomplished something by now, that I was MEANT to do something. I have no clue what. I am sure it is more than drifting through life aimlessly. I also know that my failure is all my own fault. Maybe there are signs I missed? My head in the clouds, distracted by my demons, I have trouble seeing anything related to self. I just see them, hear them, feel them pulling me down.

They revel and gloat in their victories over me. It whips them into a frenzy as they rip me apart. Venom drips from my own lips as their words become mine. Sleep or food is the only respite from the madness. Sleep does not come to a mind so agitated. Focus on anything else is a laughably impossible undertaking.

I gorge until I can sleep. I live to fight another day. If one calls this 'living'...